Welcome to my happily ever after...
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oh snap!
I've had a hard time thinking of things to write about the last couple of days, and while lying in bed this morning, I thought of something that I knew I wanted to write about.
You know that line in Jerry Maguire where he says "You complete me"? You won't find me saying too many things these days that I hate, but I can say that I hate that saying. No one can - or should - say that that another human being completes them because that implies they are only half a person without them.
I look back over my old entries here on Diaryland and I cringe at how I thought another person could complete me. I had a serious rescue fantasy, and I thought that a boyfriend could save me from myself, when in reality I myself was my knight in shining armor. That sounds weird, but it's true.
Furthermore, I myself set the tone as to how others treat me. If I don't have any respect for myself, how can I expect others to have any for me? It's like that line from Secret by Madonna: "Until I learned to love myself, I was never ever loving anybody else..."
We all know that I tend to do things the hard way, whether I realize that's what I'm doing at the time or not. That said, everyone TOLD me that I needed to stop thinking about men in early sobriety and concentrate on myself, but I didn't believe them. It's like being told not to touch a hot stove: I'm the retard that has to touch it just to make sure they know what they're talking about. Anywho, in less than a year of my early attempts at sobriety, I engaged in three...count 'em three...relationships. Each ended miserably because I wasn't ready to date because I was still a blobby mass of low self-esteem.
I see newcomers show up at the center that are cute, and I see them doing the exact same thing I did when I first got sober: in their desperation to stay sober, they get clingy and look for someone to complete them. They get into relationships, the relationship ends, they relapse, period. On the flip side, I see old timers that see these cute newcomers and they try to "help" them (we call it 13th stepping), but in reality they are only hurting everyone involved. Like I heard a speaker once say, you can think these newcomers are cute, but they are generally so CRAZY still that it's best to put them on the back burner and let them simmer a while until some of the crazy boils away.
Where am I going with this long winded diatribe? I'm not sure really. I guess lately I've been around a few people that are very young in sobriety, and I see them making the same mistakes that I did such as obsessing about being in a relationship, dating, etc. I want to protect everyone from making the same mistakes that I did, yet saying that, I know that I can only worry about myself. Don't mind me...I'm just having a mental purge of sorts.
So am I a totally anti-relationship these days? No, not really. I do know that I myself am not ready, and dare I say it, I like being single right now so much that I don't know if I ever want to get into something like that again. Wow. Let me say that again: I like being single so much that I might not ever enter into a proper relationship again. Don't hold me to that, but life is so good right now that I don't want to upset the apple cart.
Plus I don't need a man to rescue me these days...I can fucking rescue myself.
SNAP.
8:00 a.m. - 2007-03-24
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