Welcome to my happily ever after...
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ouchie
Every day seems to be getting the teensiest bit easier. Even though today I feel like I've been drawn and quartered, if it sounds possible I still feel better than yesterday. Plus I'm eating everything that doesn't eat me first, so that's a good sign also. I figure I've put on a good 5 lbs in 3 days, and although it can all be attributed to water weight, I don't have that creepy look like I've been embalmed.
My little Paco the love taco ate his harness last Saturday when I took it off to bathe him. After I dried him off, I jumped in the shower to rinse off, and when I got out he'd eaten the plastic snaps off his harness that hold the darn thing on. I wanted to cry because harnesses are expensive! So today on lunch I'm going to Walmart to see if I can find a suitable replacement. Note to self: stop leaving things around that I don't want Paco to chew up. Bleh.
I was just looking at my Photobucket page, and I noticed that I took these pictures the day that I relapsed. It seems so weird to look at them because at the time I thought I had the world on a string. The events that day seem like yesterday, yet everything since then seems like a million years ago...if that makes any sense whatsoever. In fact, the last day I used was Sunday, and that seems longer ago than 11/28 which is the day these photos were taken. How does that work?
I was absolutely miserable while using, and every day I sunk into a deeper and darker place. I was surrounding myself with anyone I could coerce into spending time with me, and every time it ended miserably. The shining example was a guy I met online that was in town from Lafayette, LA, and we hung out a couple of days with only a few minor blips. Well, he came back to town on Christmas Day after I drove 3.5 hours one way to pick him up, and after many fights and 4 days later, he left my house without saying bye while I was in the shower...to go be with a friend of mine that I had introduced him to a few hours before. It hurt like the dickens. In the long run I know I had noooo biz hanging with him once I wanted to be clean, yet it still hurts that I opened myself up to someone that would rather disappear than be with me one moment longer. Ouch.
Wanna hear something sad? All the progress I thought I'd made during that brief stretch of sobriety seems to have drifted away. I find myself sitting around thinking longingly about my ex-BF that left in August, and I know it's unhealthy. I thought I was over all that!
10:37 a.m. - 2009-01-08
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