Welcome to my happily ever after...
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net-scapades
Well, life as a debutante is hard work. Last night I got home from work around 6 PM, got online for a while, took a bath and read a book, ate dinner, then went to bed at 7:30. I left the lights on in the living room because I never imagined I'd actually go to sleep, but around 1:30 AM I got up and turned the lights off, ate a few spoonfuls of ice cream, then went back to sleep. Pretty soon I'll be hitting the sack the minute I walk in the door after work.
I think one of the hardest things for me right now is trying to figure out what to do with my time. I know this sounds preposterous to most people, however I haven't been sober in 13 years. Granted, I just did drugs last November, but I was an alcoholic for 12 or so years before that. I am having to relearn how to do everything in my life, only sober this time. A good example is last Friday night when I went to the movies with Carlos and Mario. Sure I went to the movies with friends, but everything required work behind the scenes that no one ever knew about. Say the movie started at 9 PM...well that meant there was a really good chance that I wouldn't make it to the store before they stopped selling beer at 12. So I'd have to stop on the way to the movies, buy beer and put it in the trunk of the car, then proceed with plans at usual. Then after the movie, I would go straight home and get trashed.
Last Friday, I had to go home after the movie and go to bed. That was so weird for me! Of course, I managed to screw it up and get online and end up with a bad trick or treating experience, but at least I didn't get drunk. I'm substituting one addiction for another. Not that I'm addicted to sex mind you....I really could take it or leave it in most cases. However I think I need to feel attractive again, and somehow my net-scapades fulfill that.
Speaking of the net, Greg and I bickered back and forth all day yesterday via email. There were some interesting comments he made, first and foremost being that he heard from a "source" (meaning his best friend) that I've been "slung up on manhunt" for days now trick or treating. I took offense to that....when we were dating, I never got online to chat. I didn't even get the internet until the day before we broke up, and as soon as the cable guy left, I went straight to Greg's house, spent the night there, and then left his house the next day after we got in that argument. How could I have been online when I was with him the whole time? Next subject please...
He also went on and on telling me that his sister was really hurt that I would say that she was pretentious. When I asked how on earth she found that out, he says that HE TOLD HER THIS when she asked what all the tension was over. Whaaat? The tension was because he and I couldn't get along, and then he dragged his sister and her boyfriend into the mess. They went home with their feelings hurt because they say they tried to make me feel like family and then I'd say that about them. Well I said it to Greg when we were bickering....I never in a million years imagined that he would tell her that! Geez!
We wrote back and forth until I left to go home, and then when I got home from work he'd sent me an e-card wishing me a happy birthday and that he didn't forget. I appreciated that, however he did forget that my birthday wasn't for another 10 days. He proved my point about not listening to me. I wrote back thanking him for the card and said that I'd open it back up on my actual birthday. I feel that my comment might have a been a bit harsh, however I mean come on....he can't even remember my birthday.
So basically he just keeps telling me that he loves me and that he doesn't understand why we can't work things out. That is like a dagger in my heart. My biggest fear in life is hurting other people, and he was playing right into that. Say that I do give him another chance...how long will it be before he just does it again?
I have some thinking to do.
Changing the subject, last night while online I ran into a guy that hung out at my house during that whole messy time last summer. He was relatively normal in comparison to most of the guys that came over, and on a whim I decided to send him a note asking how he's doing. He wrote back saying that he's fine and congratulating me on my sobriety. When I asked him how he knew that, he told me that it's his job to know. When I pressed for more information, he told me nevermind. That led me to thinking....this guy always hinted around that he was there to protect me from something or other, and at the time it just got on my nerves. I thought that he was just a user like me looking for a place to hang out. Yet I have had too many people tell me that police informants had been in my house, and I could never seem to figure out who they were. When I got to talking with the guy, he knew what part of town I lived in, he knew that I'd been regularly going to work, he knew a lot of things that only people close to me would have known. It freaked me out a bit. When I told him I was going to go eat dinner and log off, he told me to stay sober and that he would be watching. Huh?
Then I got to thinking....almost from the time I moved to Houston, I've seen this guy online looking for places to hang out and party. He doesn't seem to have a regular job yet always had money, and all he did was get online and look around all day long. He was rather well known in the "community" for going to someone's house and staying for days. I seriously think this guy is some sort of informant and all he does is search for people using and looking for company. He then goes over there, hangs out for days watching the activities, then reports them to whomever it is he's endebted to. Freaky, huh? Because the way I met him even falls in line with that....one day out of the blue he sent me a note wanting to know if he could come over and hang out, I went and picked him up at yet another guy's house, and he came over and stayed for over a month....a month!
Oh shit...and I just remembered something else. Another guy latched onto me from online not long after that. He made sure I had more drugs than I could ever do, and after he started coming around all the time, I could tell that he did NOT get along with guy #1. Guy #2 convinced me to kick guy #1 out of my house, basically saying that he'd been around long enough, and when guy #1 finally left he told me to watch myself and that guy#2 was trouble.
I know now that guy#2 was a drug dealer, unbeknownst to me at the time, and he suddenly appeared in my life so he could make sure I had a houseful of people all the time. He was out to set me up for something. Fortunately I called my folks to come get me and take me home a few weeks after I met guy #2. I have a feeling I would be in jail right now otherwise. And I have a very strong feeling that guy #1 really was one of the good guys.
These are the things that still go through my head when I lie down at night.
11:00 a.m. - 2005-12-06
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