Welcome to my happily ever after...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mmm-hmm
I have to type fast....I have a project that I'm working on today at work that's due by the end of the day, yet I have to write this down to get these feelings out.
On Friday I got an email from Greg saying that he was going to be in my part of town around lunchtime and that he was going to go by my house and leave my stuff and pick up his. I wrote back saying that I would like to be there when he went by so we could talk about things. When I got home he'd been by anyways. He brought back everything I had ever given him....cards, little gifts, even food that I'd taken over to his house. He obviously didn't want anything that reminded him of me. It hurts. I've spent the last 5 months with him continuously, even living with him at one point, and to act so ugly really hurts me.
Then when I got to work today, I had an email from him saying:
I think it best if we no longer had any contact with each other. I dont think its enhancing either of our lives.
Ouch.
Why do I break everything in my life? I take everything that is important to me and then smash it into little pieces. Pieces that are too small to glue back together again. In this case with Greg, I know that our relationship was a mess. But was the mess all my fault? I know that my new sobriety makes everything that is unsavory seem that much worse. On Saturday I had a headache, and I'm still not sure that I wasn't suffering from an aneyrism. See how I think?
I also realize that I am needy right now. I need people to listen to my story, and I couldn't ever really get Greg to listen to me. I think we are both to blame for this. #1, even a shrink might have a hard time listening to me blabber on and on about what's going on with me all the time, and #2, Greg just was too busy thinking about himself and what he was going to say if I ever shut up. We are both to blame.
Now I know why everyone said that going into a relationship at this stage in my life was such a bad idea. But I know how I am....if someone says the stove is hot, I still have to touch it just to make sure.
Ok, enough pity party for one day. This is my weekend recap:
Friday afternoon I got home around 3:30, jumped back in bed, and slept until about 6:00. Carlos called and told me that he and Mario were going to see Aeon Flux, so I hightailed it over there and met them for the 8:00 show. It was good, but I'm surprised that someone with an Oscar would do a movie like that. Of course, wasn't Catwoman the first movie that Halle did after her Oscar?
Anywho, I got home around 10:30, and I watched The Skeleton Key. I liked it better, but I hated the ending. I won't give it away to the peeps that haven't seen it.
Ok, here's where the good stuff starts. Around 12:30, I logged onto manhunt, and less than 30 seconds online I got a note from a cute guy that I've played with a few times before. He told me to come over and cuddle with him. I was like "I'm down for some cuddling" figuring that we'd mess around in the morning. So I get there, crawl in bed with him, and we sleep/play for hours. Around 7 AM, he jerks himself off and I'm like "why did you do that?". Basically once he'd shot his load, I figured it was time for me to hit the road. So I got dressed and headed for home without the luxury of cumming myself. When I got home, I remembered my manners and got online to send him a note saying "thanks....had fun". The usual. Well I got a note from a cute guy saying that he and another guy were looking for a third. I was horny and had been playing around for like 7 hours without ever cumming, so I asked "who's the 3rd?". Turns out it's a guy that came over to my house back during that scary time when I had all those people over all the time. He was a nice guy, and he didn't use drugs with us, so I figured all would be fine. I tell them to come on over whenever they were ready.
Well, the guy I'd met before showed up in a few minutes, and he was really nice. He kept telling me how good I look now, and that the last time he saw me I looked like I'd been in a concentration camp. I told him that I was now clean, and he contratulated me saying that he'd never been into drugs either himself. We had a good time playing around waiting for the other guy to show up. So when the other guy showed up, I took one look at him and could tell that he was a meth user, and from the looks of the meth sores all over him, it wasn't just recreational. I was forced to make a split second decision....was I going to play with this guy even though I could tell he'd been using, or was I going to politely bow out? I opted for the latter. I was such a pussy....I just told them that I didn't feel good, and while they went at it, I cleaned the toilet, paid some bills, mopped the kitchen floor. It was just like the old days where I had all these people around that I didn't have any interest of messing around with, and I would find things to do rather than be in the room with them.
This went on for about 30 mins, and when they were done, they came into the living room with me. As the meth guy showered, the other guy says "we totally need to do this sometime when you're feeling better, only this time just the two of us." I was like "mmm-hmm" and made polite conversation until meth guy came out of the shower. I figured he would then leave, but as soon as the other guy started the shower, he says "We should do this someone just the two of us" to which I say "mmm-hmm". After making conversation with meth guy for a while, then they are both in the living room looking at me. I finally have to say "well guys...I think I'm going to lie down now" and somehow manage to herd them out the door.
That experience was humiliating, eye-opening, and exhausting all at the same time. In a way though, I'm glad it happened....it showed me that I need to be very, very selective about who I talk to and ultimately invite over to my house.
After that disaster, I didn't even sit at my computer desk the rest of the weekend.
I know what you are thinking....how upset can I possibly be about the demise of my relationship if I'm playing around with guys this weekend? That's the thing....I think I'm most disappointed that Greg is being an ass about things than I am about actually being single now. Go figure.
10:58 a.m. - 2005-12-05
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------