Welcome to my happily ever after...
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SELFISH PHASE
OMG....could today go by any slower? I think I'm going to die of old age sitting here in this chair.
Did I mention that I got internet access at home again? I waited for so long because I didn't want to be tempted to get online and find people to do things that I shouldn't be doing, but I finally bit the bullet and had them come install it last Saturday. I can tell that I'm going to have to put some sort of timer or something up because last night I got online when I got home from work, and the next thing I knew it was 9:00. I had looked at more crap than I care to list. My porn machine is up and running again!
Of course, I had to log on to manhunt out of curiosity, and the same druggie losers were still online. I avoided their messages to me like the plague. I was really disappointed to see a couple of guys that I know from my 12 step meetings on there though. When I tried talking to them, they didn't have much to say to me and I know why....they were using and looking for peeps to use with. I told both of them if they needed me to get in touch with me. I was really disturbed about one of them in particular because I got to know him pretty well last year. He was the BF of the crazy guy that I let move in with me last December, and even though he was a part of that messed up time in my life, I know he was better than that. When I went to my first NA meeting, I was so happy to see that he was cleaning himself up, and after a stay at a halfway house, he was about to go out on his own again. I can only assume that things didn't go well. This makes my heart hurt because I wish I could save everyone, but I just have to keep telling myself "SELFISH PHASE, SELFISH PHASE"....I can only help myself right now.
I didn't talk to Greg last night. I didn't figure I would unless I called him, and then even if I did he wouldn't have answered the phone. I think that we should just leave each other alone for a while and then later figure out how to handle the details of our breakup. I don't think I have anything over there but my cell phone charger, but I still would like to get that back. I am so disappointed that things didn't work out between us because I think that down deep he is a nice guy, however I just can't date someone anymore with the emotional maturity of an 18 year old.
I'm supposed to meet Carlos at the gym after work for the first time in weeks. I simply do not feel like it, but I'm going to force myself. I need to be getting out instead of wasting mucho hours online. That's how I got into all this trouble in the first place.
1:54 p.m. - 2005-11-29
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