Welcome to my happily ever after...
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throw the baby out with the bathwater
Going back to work the day after I've called in sick is always a strange thing for me. Although I've really been sick, last night I was a Gloomy Gus and I couldn't figure out why. I finally figured it out that the bad feeling I couldn't shake was guilt. Gotta love having emotions again....they aren't necessarily always a good thing. Speaking of:
Last night at Bookstop, I started paging through a book by Dr Drew called Cracked. He says that people who are coming out of long term drug and/or alcohol abuse tend make a mountain out of a molehill over every little thing that occurs in their life. This is because before they weren't feeling anything at all from basically being anesthetized, and now everything that happens to them is overwhelming, or so they think. This is me. Greg is constantly telling me what a hypchondriac I am, and I tend to agree. For so long I would just plug along in life and not complain (much) about things, then I would reward myself for dealing with it by getting rip roaring drunk on the weekends. I remember the fall of 2002, I got bronchitis so bad that I literally broke a lung by coughing, yet I never called in sick once during the whole experience. Those sick days were to be used as "the day after" days....meaning on the days that I was too hung over to come to work. Sad.
I started reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, and all I can say is WOW. I normally balk at Oprah's Book Club choices, but this book is amazing. He has a knack for storytelling like no one I've read in a long time. James' story sounds so much like some of the stories that I hear at some of the meetings I've attended....stories where people got so low that they almost lost their lives as a result. At the last meeting I attended, an older gentleman shared that he had recently relapsed and tried to kill himself in the process. As he was talking I noticed the bandages on both his wrists, and turns out that he relapsed and got really down on himself in the process. He broke everything glass in his house, then took a shard and slit both his wrists. He lay in a pool of blood for 2 days before someone found him. True story...I sat there thinking "what on earth am I doing here?". Later I got to thinking that I should be ashamed of myself...I'm no better than he is. I just caught myself before I got to that point.
Back to books: I got an email from the library saying that the books I put on hold were available. I wish they wouldn't have all come in at once, but c'est la vie. I'll be reading continuously for 2 weeks, but I guess that isn't a bad thing. Along with a bunch of books dealing with addiction and recovery, I also got A Density of Souls by Christopher Rice. I've been wanting to read it for a while now, and I'm excited I now will have the chance.
Tonight right after work I have a little orientation for my volunteer work. I've been talking about doing it for AGES now, but I was so wrapped up in being me that things never came to fruition. Now I have all this time. All this time that before I would spend drinking and drugging, or recovering from said drinking and drugging. The time is now, and I'm very excited about getting out and actually doing it. I hope to make some new friends in the process.
I've talked to Greg about 5 minutes total so far this week. He's been sick as well, and he's an even worse sick person than I am. I told him that I'd like him to go with me to the yoga class that I went to last Sunday, and he responded by turning up his nose. He pooh-poohed the idea without even knowing anything about it. Again, one of those qualities that I don't like in other people because I do the exact same thing at times. I want a boyfriend that is interested in things, likes to go places, and is interested in more than what is going on right here in front of us. So what the hell am I doing with him? Good question. I just want to make sure I'm not throwing the baby out with the bath water.
11:03 a.m. - 2005-11-16
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