Welcome to my happily ever after...
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broken
I have always been so good at breaking things. Then once they were broken, I would just throw them away and try to find a replacement. This applies to many things, including relationships both with friends and lovers.
Lucas, the boyfriend I had before I lost my mind and then subsequently rehabbed myself....at the time I thought that he was absolutely horrible. Now I realize that I ruined us. I ruined myself, I ruined him, and I ruined us and any hope of a future. At the time he didn't tell me the exact reason why he broke up with me, and perhaps after time I think he might have done it to spare my feelings. I blamed him so, so long for everything, yet I now know that I ruined the very thing that I thought I was trying to maintain. I let him think that I loved drugs more than I loved him, and perhaps I did at that point in my life. For some reason I wouldn't let him through my thick veneer, and for some inexplicable reason even though I was in a relationship with someone I cared about, I was still trying to fill some sort of void in my life using other people. The void was a combination of two things, I am sure....it stemmed from issues with myself that I have carried around for years, as well as the craze that crystal put me in. When I was using, I was constantly looking, looking, looking for someone that I connected with, even though I had that person right there in front of me. As a result, Lucas and I would go to bed for the night, and then I would get online and invite a house full of people over. When he'd wake up for work, he walk into a living room full of strangers. Then happened more times than I can remember. Can you blame him for leaving me? This went on for two months, then when we got in a fight at one point, he probably figured that was his best way out and broke up with me.
We no longer speak to each other. It hurt more than I could ever fathom at the time that he would just leave me and never speak to me again, yet now I know he was doing it out of self preservation. I was an ass, he broke up with me, and I went into a complete drug funk. For so long I was blaming him for what I did to myself, yet now I know that I did it. I DID IT TO MYSELF! So do I think that Lucas and I were soul mates? Not really. Do I think we had a real future? Probably not. However it hurts me to know that I put someone else through any sort of pain.
3:14 p.m. - 2005-11-16
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