Welcome to my happily ever after...
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need to share my story
Well, my entries have been such a downer lately that I'll try to write for a minute about something good...Madonna's new album. It is amazing. To me, it sounds like a cross between her first album and her Music album with bits of the Ray of Light album sprinkled in (without the oddly placed beeps and honks). Some songs even remotely remind me of old Depeche Mode. My favorite songs on the album are Sorry and Jump.
Last night I went straight from work to a meeting with AIDS Foundation Houston to talk about the volunteer work I'll be doing. It was a good meeting...but I found out due to the holidays I won't be able to start volunteering until January 7th. I don't know if I exactly understand why, but it'll keep.
From there, I ran home and changed clothes to have dinner with my friend Andrew. I picked him up and we went to dinner at Mai's. I love that place....great Vietnamese food. Even though we weren't in the gay hood per se, there weren't plenty of sisters there, and after we sat down I realized I was in direct view of a guy that used to come over to my house and use with me. I pretended I didn't see him, and he acted like he didn't recognize me. Perhaps he didn't now that I'm a full figured gal. It made me nervous....he's the first person that I've run into from that whole era of my life. This led to a big discussion between the two of us about how much better our lives are now.
Anywho, Andrew and I were going to go to the Crystal Meth Anon meeting, but when we showed up at the place where they always held it (albeit 3 months ago), there wasn't anyone there. So I dropped him off at home, and I headed for home as well. As I turned onto my street, I couldn't put my car into gear. It wouldn't switch out of neutral. So I had to push my car around the corner and sat there stunned for a minute. I realized that if I turned off my car, I could get it in first gear, so I drove in first gear a few blocks to my apartment. From there I called my folks and they brought out my other car. I felt horrible having them drive all the way out from Kingwood at 9:30 at night, but how else was I going to get to work the next day? We put more fluid in whatever you put in the clutch thingie and it didn't work. I think I burned out my clutch. Fab. Exactly what I needed right here at Christmas....so now I have to have my car towed from my place to the shop where I'll learn how many hundreds of dollars it will take to get it fixed. Not a good way to end the night, but I'm thankful that I have a spare and that my folks were willing to bring it out to me. It also made me happy to be sober...if it had been me a few months ago, my car would have sat there for weeks before I would have finally done something about it. I never would have let my folks come over on the spur of the moment, even if it was to help me.
I don't miss the oozing sores on my body and face, I don't miss the paranoia, I don't miss the empty feeling, and most of all I don't miss the Jonathan from that time. I thought I was running with the in crowd....the fabulous people. I thought I was making strong friendships.
None of that was real.
The only real thing about it was that I punished my body, not eating for days, not sleeping for up to 10 days at times. I let my weight fall to 118 lbs and knowingly exposed myself to STDs. I became extremely paranoid, distrustful, and isolated. What originally made me feel exhilarated now made me feel hopeless and full of despair, and I came to rely more on meth to escape feelings of worthlessness. I was a full fledged addict.
I feel it is my duty to share my story.
4:04 p.m. - 2005-11-17
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