Welcome to my happily ever after...
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Fall cleanup
Boy, I am a first class crab this morning. I didn't realize it until just a minute ago when talking with some coworkers. As I'm sure I've mentioned here in my diary, I have become the expendable one here at work due to the 43 days that I've missed so far this year, so whenever they need an extra person to help do anything, I am the person that first comes to mind. This is because they gave my job away while I was gone, and legally they had to just have a position for me when I returned from my leave....not the actual same position I had before. In this case, my boss wants everyone to catch up on all their filing before the end of the year.....she's calling it "Fall Cleanup". So I get to go sit at everyone's desk for a whole day while I do their daily activities and they file. Well, some of the people here are complaining that they aren't getting as much time as others, and after trying to reason with them, I finally told them to take it up with our boss. I don't have time for that shit....I'm merely the puppet whose strings are being pulled. I need to get myself under control today though. I'm just a few pushed buttons away from doing something that I might really regret....such as telling my boss off or saying something to a coworker that I will end up regretting. Calm thoughts, deep breaths.
Sometimes I just want to lie down on the floor and yell and scream that no one understands how hard it is being me. Being me is fucking hard work sometimes. Then I realize that it isn't anyone's responsibility to know how hard my life is....people have their own trials and tribulations, and quite frankly, don't give a crap about anything other than what is going on with them, right there, right then. I know this because I am the same way.
I also don't feel good today at all. All weekend I had a bit of a sniffle, and I blew my nose so much yesterday that I had a nose bleed last night before I went to bed. This alarmed my parents to no end. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Friday night I went to Greg's house (I know...) and we went and tanned and had dinner. Afterwards we went back to Greg's house, watched some TV, then went to bed around 10:30. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.
Saturday I was going shopping with Carlos, so I left Greg's house around 11:00 and ran home to get ready. Carlos picked me up at my place so he could see my apartment now that I'm done painting, and then we went to Mission Burrito for lunch. Yummy. Afterwards we went to the Galleria and shopped until about 5:00. Things went really well unless I brought up Greg, so I quickly learned not to. The only bad thing that happened was when we went in the Gap: Carlos was looking through a stack of pants looking for his size, and I heard the salesdude say "Why don't you let me do that considering it's my job?". At that point I really looked at the guy, and something seemed familiar. What was it? After thinking about it, I realized it was a guy that had come over to my house back during its drug den stage. Someone had invited him, and when he got there he was completely insane. He ripped his pants off the minute he walked in the door, kept running from room to room....a first class freak. As luck would have it, there was a really big guy already at my house that looked out for my general well-being, and he told the guy to scram. It wasn't a pretty picture as it might sound. Anywho, the reason the guy was so rude to us is because he remembered who I was. Interesting.
Back to the present: that was the first time that I've run into anyone from that time in my life as I've avoided everyone and everything like the plague. It left me feeling like someone had run up and kicked me in the stomach.
So Carlos dropped me off at my house and I showered quickly and went back to Greg's house. There we watched HGTV for hours and then went to bed. Woo-hoo.
Sunday I left Greg's house early to go to a yoga class at my gym. Now I've done yoga before, but this class kicked my ass. After 30 mins of strenuous yoga, I thought I might have to get up and leave the class. I somehow managed to stay the whole time, then I hobbled to the car and went to Kingwood to visit the fam. They told me that I didn't seem very upbeat for some reason, and both my mom and my dad called me after I left. My mom actually called twice last night, and I could tell that she'd made up an excuse as to why she was calling (who was the guy thrown off the bridge on Desperate Housewives?). As my bad luck would have it, I was sniffling on the phone with her, and then I got a bloody nose. This prompted her to ask repeatedly if I was doing things that I shouldn't be doing, and the answer was "no". I've come too far to go back now. I fully understand that I have to earn their trust again, yet I can't help but get frustrated that every sniffle I get makes people think I'm one step away from a halfway house.
Sobriety is hard work, but not in the way that you might think. Not doing drugs or drinking is proving to be the easy part.....dealing with all the emotions that I have covered up all these years is TOUGH. I read a story in Cool, Hip, and Sober this weekend about a "dry drunk". A dry drunk is a person that has given up drinking or drugging yet still hasn't dealt with the issues that led them to substance abuse in the first place. I desperately do not want to be a dry drunk, but sometimes figuring out exactly what I'm avoiding is the hard part. I know that I have self-esteem issues. I know that I have relationship issues. I know that I have big, big, big issues with my childhood. But where do I begin? I feel like I'm planning a road trip somewhere far away and trying to figure out my game plan without a map.
That said, I love the quote that says that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. I just told my smoking buddy here at work to go smoke without me. I should have quit smoking back in July when I quit everything else, however I decided that I didn't want to be that drastic. I think it's now time to quit smoking too. I mean really.....after quitting crystal meth cold turkey, how much harder can quitting smoking be?
Ugh. As the day goes on, I feel worse and worse.
10:12 a.m. - 2005-11-14
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