Welcome to my happily ever after...
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anywhere but here
Did anyone watch season 4 of Queer as Folk where Ted got out of rehab and no one wanted to listen to what he had to say about it? That's totally how I feel at times. On the show, they would ask "Ted, how have you been?!!" but then when he would start to tell them, they would run the other way. That is my story as well: people ask how I am, yet they don't want to listen to what I have to say. I can't decide if it's because people ask how I am in an effort to be polite, yet they don't expect an answer. Perhaps the topic of recovery makes people nervous.
Then again, when people ask how you are, do they really expect a response? When you pass someone in the hall and they say "How are you?", are you really supposed to say anything other than "fine"? Of course, I'm not bleeding my heart out to people who pass me in the hall at work, but I assume when a friend asks how I'm doing, they really want to know.
That is something I am going to have to work on in my relationships in the future. With Greg, I tried to be as forthcoming as possible. Here is an example: one night while at a fundraiser/drag show Gary ran into a friend of his. Damned if it wasn't someone that came and hung out at my house for days back during my dark drug days. I made nice with the guy and said something like "How have you been?", then when he walked off Greg asked how I knew him. I was faced with making a split second decision. Do I come clean and tell him exactly how I know him? What if word got back to Greg the context in which the guy and I had met and then Greg gets upset that I wasn't honest about things. Or on the flip side should I have just white lied and said he was an acquaintance? I opted for the former and figured that honestly is the best policy. So then when Greg and I were bickering the other day, he asked me why I felt the need to brag to him about that whole time of my life. I didn't think I was bragging at all...I was trying to show him how bad my life back then really was as well as just being honest.
One of the biggests tenets of AA/NA is that a newly sober person shouldn't enter a relationship for at least a year. Back in July I just didn't understand that. I figured that it was everyone else trying to make me as miserable as they were. If they were going to be alone, dammit so was I. Now I am beginning to think that there might have been some merit to their warnings. Again, every situation is different, and who is to say that if Prince Charming comes along 3 weeks after rehab that anyone should tell him it's not a good time. Instead, I think they should warn newbies that the important thing to do is either find another person in recovery.....albeit way further in their recovery.....so they can relate to your struggle, OR find someone that is definitely the glass half-full type as I mentioned in my last entry.
One interesting thing is that since I've been spending less (or rather no) time with Greg, my thoughts and dreams of using meth have practically dried up. I have always been so guilty of having the "anywhere but here" syndrome where most of the time I would rather be somewhere else than I was at any particular time. Meth to me was an escape from my regular life and a way to completely tune out any problems that I had. Look how it kept me from dealing with Lucas' and my breakup for months. Anywho, perhaps during the time with Greg, I was suffering from "anywhere but here" syndrome. That's why I thought about using so much when we were around each other. Although he wanted me to stay sober, perhaps he was an enabler.
Am I having an epiphany? Who knows. It's just interesting to think about.
12:09 p.m. - 2005-11-11
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