Welcome to my happily ever after...
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here we go again
My heart hurts beyond any words that I can begin to use here. I don't think there are words in the English language that would even begin to describe how I feel right now. Greg and I have broken up. At least that is what I can assume since he won't return my calls after calling close to 12 hours.
Greg's problem is that he wants to assimilate someone into the life that he already has, rather than build a life with someone that takes into account both people's needs. For example, when I tell him that his dogs itch me and make me break out in hives, he tells me that he and the dogs have been together for years and he wasn't about to give them away or put them down for a boyfriend. I was shocked that he would even think that was something that I would want him to do! I simply wanted two things...for him to acknowledge the fact that I claw my skin while I'm there, or even more simply, give them a bath.
Greg also doesn't listen to me when I talk as I've noted here before. He also doesn't ever ask how I'm doing, how work was, what's going on in my life. I mean he never, ever asks, and then when I volunteer it of my own volition, he doesn't act interested at all. My recovery? He doesn't care how I do it as long as I stay sober. To me though, the journey is just as important as the end result.
Another thing we bickered about: the other day while riding in the car somewhere, I told him that I didn't feel like I had a very fulfilling life. I told him that I wanted to start doing volunteer work again, explore religion, learn more about myself. I couldn't tell if he just wasn't listening or chose to avoid the topic. Yesterday he told me that pissed him off that I'd say that. He said that it hurt that I would say that. I guess that he thinks that our relationship should be the center of my being and what I should draw my strength from. What kind of person thinks something like that?
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He just called and we talked for about 30 minutes. I told him what was bothering me, and he told me what was bothering him. I told him that I was willing to work on the things that got on his nerves (my complaining about the dogs, giving vibes that I don't like his best friend), but I didn't get the same from him. I finally told him that we now needed to determine whether the things that bugged us were worth giving up what all we had worked for, and I said that I was willing to work for it. He just sat there. I was forced to come to the conclusion that based on his silence, it was not worth working on in his eyes. That hurts me more than I say.
We ended things with his saying "well, I guess I'll talk to you later...". Ouch.
Am I dating the same guy over and over again, only with a different name and face? I think I might have found me a substitute Lucas, the last asshole boyfriend I had. Another boyfriend that was disapproving of me.
Where do I go from here? I let a man become my whole life (again), and now that it has crumbled, what do I have? I still have my job, my apartment, and my sobriety. My friendships have gone to shit though, and I would love to call someone and cry my eyes out. I don't have that luxury though, and that hurts too.
What I know THIS time though is that I don't need to be jumping into another crappy relationship anytime soon. I need to explore my life sober for a while. I need to learn more about who I am and what makes me tick. If I don't know who I am, how can I possibly be in a relationship?
9:12 a.m. - 2005-11-07
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