Welcome to my happily ever after...
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my story
Yowsers. It sure has been a long time since I wrote anything here. A bunch has gone on, and once I got so far behind on updating, it became easier to just NOT update, if that makes sense.
I have a serious boyfriend now, but it isn't the one that I wrote so glowingly about in my most recent entries. His name is Greg, and he's a great guy. I met him a couple of weeks after the other guy, and after spending time with him, I realized that he and I were better suited for each other. So we dated here and there for a few weeks, and he even helped me look for a new apartment. Well, when I found a cute place in the Heights, I signed a lease right there on the spot. When it came time to tell my folks, they were LIVID....I mean beside themselves mad that I didn't include them in my decision. I can see why, however I knew they would try to talk me out of it. Things got so bad that I called Greg the night I told them and asked if I could just crash at his house until the apartment was ready. He said "no problem" and off I went. I stayed there for about 4 weeks until I moved in, and let me tell you, if you want to get to know someone really fast, move in with them. I felt like a lesbian the relationship progressed so quickly.
One thing I'm still working on big time: my recovery. I still can't believe that I'm going through this....me! I have always been so anti-drug! I honestly didn't know there was a meth epidemic, which is the only way that I can describe it. I fell into it at a "party" last November I went to right after Carlos and I broke up and he moved out. I didn't know what the real reason for the party was....I was just online and had a stranger ask me to come over. Dumb move. After spending 3 straight days with these guys, with no sleep, I was like "these guys really understand me!". Well, yeah, you're going to feel like you've really gotten to know people when you've been around some people for 3 days, mostly naked. Little did I know that I was at a dealer's house, and the whole point of the party was to introduce people to meth so they would become hooked.
Why would I do such a thing you ask? Initially it was out of curiosity, then from there who knows. With me, whereas alcohol seemed to repress something in me, meth brought something out, and at the time, I guess that I loved it. I was confident, making more "friends" than I could ever possibly have, and was getting things accomplished both at home and at work at a record rate. It was at first recreational and on the weekends, but before I knew it, I did some before I left for work. Then I was doing it first thing when I walked in the door after work. Then before I knew it, I was out in the parking lot at work on my lunch break smoking out of my little glass pipe. This was all in a period of about 3 weeks.
From there, things got worse. Since I had my own place and lots of room, three networked computers with internet access to invite new people over, and a huge desire to please people, I allowed my house to become ground central. I started calling in sick to work, and on the odd occasion I'd make an appearance at work, I'd allow everyone to hang out at my place all day while I was gone. It just grew, and grew, and grew. Before I knew it, I'd go weeks before having the house to myself, and then in the occasion that happened, I'd put out my feelers and draw a whole new crowd over. The point was not to find people to use with like it might have been for the others, but for me I was so desperately wanting to find just one person that I could connect with. It always degenerated into a big orgy, and every single time I'd end up sitting by myself in the living room watching talk shows while Screwfest 2005 was going on in my bedroom. Everyone would always tell me to come join in, but by that point I was disappointed that I'd invite someone over that was more interested in the orgy than they were with me. It was a vicious circle that I repeated day after day after day....I would pick one guy to come over to hang out with me, they'd come over and join in the orgy, I'd get upset and pout, then I'd invite someone else over. Meanwhile, the last guy I'd invited over was still over and the body count was rising. Rinse and repeat. I did all the cleaning, cooking for everyone in the odd occasion we would eat something, etc. It was like some sort of really slutty bed and breakfast where no one had to pay for anything.
It's so strange....I had people that I hadn't even ever talked to before DYING to come over to my house. Everyone did it under the pretense of wanting to be my friend, but in reality it was because my fugged up feeling of responsiblity to provide meth for people who came to my house.....therefore they could come get high and stay there for days for free. I also attracted a lot of married types that came to my house to have their indiscretions because they couldn't do it at home. They'd ask to come hang out, get there, then before I knew it knock, knock at the door. They'd invited someone over to meet them unbeknownst to me. Why I tolerated it, I have no idea. That shit brings different things out in people, and where it made some people more assertive, after time it made me submissive and feeling stupid and ugly. I'd allow people to treat me horrible in my own house.
As you may remember, I did have a boyfriend for a while in the middle of all that craziness, however I have to wonder if his interest in me was purely in the fact that I always had all these people around. If I had a dollar for every time I'd walk in my bedroom and see him having sex with someone else, or elses, I would have been rich. I got so calloused to it that it began to not even bother me. After about a month of dating, I quit using cold turkey, and that's when our relationship crumbled. He didn't like me sober, so one day I came home from work and he'd moved out when I was gone without fanfare. It hurt like hell, and that threw me into yet another downward spiral where I was using every day for over 2 months.
On the 4th of July, I woke up alone for once. I don't know how or why that moment I knew I had to call my folks, but I did. I told them that if I wasn't home in 2 hours to come and get me. They knew something was up waaay before this....I'd lost over 30 lbs, never called home anymore, etc. When I got home, I went into maaaaajor withdrawal yet somehow managed to go to work the next day. I'd already missed 43, count 'em, 43 days so far this year, and going back in the midst of withdrawal was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm proud of myself for being clean now including alcohol for over 3 months. The relapse rate is something like 90%, and I simply refuse to be a part of that statistic. I also do not have anything to do with anyone from that time in my life, whether they swear they are clean or not. Involuntary thoughts are something that I am having huge issues with...I think about using at least 100 or more times a day. I can't allow anyone around me that will tempt me even the least wee bit.
I left out the parts about the horrible paranoia, the guy who stole my identity from the documents I left around my house when it was unchaperoned, the rumors of the police watching me, the dealer that threatened to kill me, people leaving my windows unlocked so they could come back when I was gone, etc. I could go on and on. Anyone who says they can quit that stuff without moving to a whole new house and blacklisting pretty much everyone they know is fooling themselves.
And those are the high points of my story. Try not to fall out of your chair.
I promise to start writing more. I really would like to document my recovery.
2:43 p.m. - 2005-10-14
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