Welcome to my happily ever after...
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FSFY club
I haven't been very inspired to write today for some reason. It's certainly not because I'm super busy at work today! Our boss is at an out of office meeting today and tomorrow, and as a result I haven't felt a need to look like I'm doing something at all times. So I read Woman's Day (Melt that Middle!), looked at series of articles about meth on msn.com, ate my body weight in biscuits with peanut butter. Productive day, no?
Tonight after work I'm supposed to head to Houston to go have dinner and a movie with Greg. I'm looking forward to it, yet I am getting a bit concerned because he hasn't called yet to tell me where to meet him. We've already been down this road before about his not calling in a timely manner, and since he's been pretty good about it. But if I can't get in touch with him by the time I leave work today, I'm not driving all the way out there. I learned that lesson two weeks ago.
Things are good today....no complaints. I've bee-bopped around for a month now with a huge smile on my face, so if people didn't think I was on drugs before, they probably do now.
My self discovery project for the day: why I am getting so defensive when someone at Crystal Meth Anonymous suggests how I should be doing things in my recovery. I know that I can't fool myself by thinking that I am out of the woods yet. However I also am feeling resentment that people that keep relapsing time after time are telling me what I should be handling things, I.E. not date the first year of recovery. Are 12 step meetings a glaring example of "those who can't do teach"?
I am also very irritated at my sponsor at NA. I should give more detail on him. Well, his name is Andrew, and I have known him for 11 years now. We dated for a few months back in 1994, and he was VERY religious. I mean, to the point that the only way that he could deal with his Catholicism and his homosexuality was to become a priest, and that's the reason that he gave me when he broke up with me....that he was going into the seminary.
Yeah. So he dumped me to be a priest. Doesn't that happen to everyone at sometime or another?
So cut to 10 years later: I see him online and decide to say hello. He tells me a number of things about himself that I was shocked to find out. He's HIV poz, recovering crystal meth addict, etc. Now he and I never even had sex back then, and then also he didn't even drink in 1994. How on earth did he get addicted to drugs? Turns out all the weekends he was telling everyone he was going to Dallas to do something with the seminary, he was at the bathhouse lying flat on his back having sex. There he was introduced to crystal, and the rest of the story plays out from there.
When I did crystal the first time, he was the first person that I told. I knew I had a problem already even then, and then when it came time to quit, I told him that I wanted him to take me to a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting, which he did. Also, when it came time to look for a sponsor, I decided that I wanted him to be my sponsor.
So turns out that he relapses all the time. He last relapsed last weekend in fact. We had plans to hang out all day on Saturday, but the night before I caught him online looking for people to party with. As a result, I sent him a note saying I'd just see him at our meeting Saturday night. Well, he never showed up for the meeting, and when I emailed him on Monday I found out that he'd gotten fugged up and gone to the bathhouse. He implied that if I had followed through with our plans and he hadn't had to look for something to do, he wouldn't have done what he did. Idle hands are the devils workshop, if you will. Well, I'm not buying into that crap...he already had put the feelers out looking for someone to do drugs with, so I'm not falling for that bunch of malarky.
And what on earth is malarky? Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good.
So I was very disappointed in him for using last weekend, and then when I came back here on Monday and found that email where he went on and on about how I shouldn't date, that was it. I left out the part where he told me I should do like that movie 28 Days and get a plant. If the plant is still alive in a year, then I can get a boyfriend.
Now let me say two things about Andrew: 1) he has never been in a long term relationship in his life....ever. 2) how can he possibly feel like he can impart any sort of his wisdom on me considering that he is a habitual relapser?
But you know what? This is not about my anger or disappointment with Andrew....the new Jonathan is simply examining why I feel the way I do toward him so I can then just let it go. In his response back to me after I told him that I can see that dispensing advice would make him feel better his relapsing last weekend (ouch), he told me that if my anger is residual anger for what happened between us 11 years ago, I need to "save that for my 4th step" . Now, the 4th step is where I am to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself", and that generally means making a list of my defects. How my defects have anything to do with his breaking up with me because of his religious convictions and sexual confusion, I have no idea.
But to sum things up, I get this prevailing feeling at NA that people don't feel happy for you when good things are happening for you and they don't feel their lives are where they should be. I say that I am well, they say it won't last. I meet a nice guy and go on a date, they try to talk me out of it. And it's not just Andrew....this is how everyone is. If they are miserable, then they are determined to make you miserable too. Instead of celebrating how wonderful life is sober, they want to talk about how horrible life is right now. There was a guy at last week's meeting who went on and on about getting fucked up, breaking every piece of glass in the house, then slitting his wrists and waiting to die. He obviously didn't die, but is this what I need to be listening to as a method of recovery? I'm going to call it the FSFY (Feel Sorry For Yourself) Club from now on....
I need to run through fields, smelling the flowers, feeding birds and deer out of my hand like in the cartoons. I need to experience everything that life has to offer....only sober!
I don't need 12 Step Slappy and Crappy trying to drag me down to wallow in their shit along with them.
One thing I have just discovered though writing this is that my anger should not be directed at Andrew. He's from the whole Catholic thing where you fuck up, confess it, then all is great with the world again. Same with the 12 steps.....you quit drugs, work the 12 steps, fuck up again, then start all over. So it falls right in line with what he's done his whole life.
So now that I have that out of the way, I want to write something to make sure that everyone knows they are still dealing with the same Jonathan. So let's talk about sex for just a minute:
I want to start thinking about Greg naked. I want to see him butt ass naked tonight. Hee-hee....he told me that his favorite thing to do sexually is have someone fuck him from behind while lightly biting the back of his neck. Sounds like how dogs do it....LOL.
WOOF!
4:07 p.m. - 2005-08-09
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