Welcome to my happily ever after...
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I just don't get it.....
Monday morning. I have so much to write about, so here goes:
Friday afternoon I went home from work and napped a bit before Greg, my date, called and said that we had reservations at America's at 6:45. This meant I had to get ready pronto (!), so I threw some clothes on and ran out the door for the gay-borhood. We were going to dinner with another couple, and I really liked them both. As I think I mentioned before, Greg and I are both in recovery, so we drank tea while the other couple guzzled their cosmopolitans.
This is an interesting part: once before in my life, I would have tossed back the drinks to deal with my nervousness. I mean, I was out to dinner with three people that I really don't know. It was like going on a date with THREE strangers....LOL. Greg and I just chatted and sipped our tea, and you know what? I DON'T NEED ALCOHOL TO SOCIALIZE!!! In fact, being sober made it soooo much more fun, and easier too!
Of course, I haven't had a drink since November, but that's beside the point. I'm abstaining from everything, and it's amazing how fluid addiction is. It can just flow from one thing to another. In my case, instead of layering the meth on top of my alcoholism, I just completely stopped drinking, and I thank God for that. As a result, I don't crave alcohol now like I once would have. I do however have the thought that a drink or two might loosen me up when I am in a nervous social situation, however if I need alcohol to loosen up, then perhaps I don't need to be there in the first place.
BOO-YA! Self discovery is fun! heh.
So after dinner we went to run some errands with his friends such as going to the Gap and to Walgreens to pick up some pictures they'd left to get developed. I didn't mind at all....I love doing stuff like that because you can really get a good read on someone watching how they deal with salesclerks, etc. However we just stayed outside so he could pet a dog that someone had left outside while they ran in to pick something up. The dog was completely mesmerized by him, and that's when I realized something I'd witnessed all night but couldn't put my finger on until that moment: his childlike attentiveness for whomever he is with at that exact moment makes people feel like they are the most important person or animal or whatever in the world. Everyone that crosses his path sees that, and as a result, waiters, grandmothers, garbage men....they all love him. He looks you in the eye and listens to you in a world where no one really listens at all.
Heh....so can you tell that I like the guy?
So we then went to his house to watch a movie, and we couldn't figure out how to hook up his DVD player in the living room. So we had to lie on the bed while watching The Minority Report, and as much you would think that the porn music should start playing at that point, we both stayed fully clothed. Now we kissed and snuggled and cuddled, and we even did a small amount of petting over the clothes, however we were both really good.
Well, I didn't leave his house until 3 AM, and that caused a bunch of problems at home. I understand that my folks are still really gun shy thinking that I might be out using drugs when I'm out that late, however I have been out on my own for 15 years now, and giving up every bit of freedom I once had is difficult. Plus, part of this whole process is learning how to police myself. Does that make sense?
Saturday afternoon was spent with Maddey and her GF, then I went to see War of the Worlds with this guy named Brad at 4:00. Reallly nice guy. At 8:00 I went to my friend Robert's house to help him get ready for an orgy that he has every couple of months. I went and got the ice and helped set up the bar (go figure!), and after about an hour of walking around and sipping Diet Coke, I realized that orgies are just not the place that I'm at right now. I put my clothes on and left without saying anything to anyone. There were so many people that I wasn't missed. I then headed home.
Sunday I went to hang out with Carlos, and I treated him to the pizza buffet at Double Dave's and we then went to Ikea to wander around. Ikea is one big clusterfuck, but I digress on that topic. I got home around 5:00, ate dinner, watched Desperate Housewives, and then I hit the sack.
Remember my sponsor that relapsed last weekend? I sent him a note on Friday telling him that I had a date, and when I got back this morning I had a note saying the following:
Cool on the date...I don't know if anyone has warned you, but early recovery is a fairly dangerous time to get emotionally involved with anyone. The theory is that emotional upsets from "wondering if he's thinking of me", breaking up, jealousy, or whatever, can lead a person to want to use by way of changing any negative or intense feelings one may be having. I'm not going to say it's bad to date, just watch yourself carefully and keep it light. You'll thank yourself later. You already know this....because you mentioned how your breakup with your ex caused you to go OFF for many days afterward.
Why is it that he feels he can preach to me on how to do things? He fucking relapsed and went to the bathhouse last weekend! My response back to him was not kind....I told him that seeing that he just relapsed last weekend, I can see where he might make himself feel better by counseling others.
That is one thing that I simply do not understand about the 12 step meetings and the program at its core: these "seasoned elders" that have been in the program for a significant amount of time offer these pearls of wisdom to the newcomers, yet they come in week after week saying they had just relapsed, which pretty much means they start the whole thing over. I myself am on 37 days of sobriety, and I have now surpassed most everyone there, including the guys who initially wanted me to attend the meetings, my sponsor, the leaders, most everyone. Who do they think they are give me all this unsolicted advice when the program obviously isnt working for them? I just don't get it.
Another example: at the meetings when I say something like "Things are going really great, and every day it just gets better and better", I invariably am told something like "It won't last" or "Don't get too overconfident mister". Huh? When someone tells me that they are well, I like to think that my nature is to genuinely feel happy for them. It's almost as if some of these people are so miserable that they are determined to drag everyone else down with them. Misery loves company I guess, but increasingly I am wondering if meeting with these people is really helping or if I am drawing the strength to quit from ME. Does getting together with people that want to throw their crap on the ground and then wallow around in it really help me?
I am down on the program today. Don't mind me.
To end things on a positive note, I am going to have sushi with Greg tomorrow night. I can't wait.
10:00 a.m. - 2005-08-08
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