Welcome to my happily ever after...
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HALT
Last night my buddy Andrew was supposed to go to the meeting with me, and he called around 9 AM telling me to make sure to pick him up on my way. But when I left my house, I called him and couldn't figure out why he wouldn't answer. Well, I guess I knew, but I was hoping I was wrong. I wasn't...he used yesterday. I just kept driving though and went ahead and went and got my 30 day chip.
The meeting was HUGE! There were over 40 peeps there. It was a who's who gallery of guys I've slept with in the past year. LOL....fortunately no one that I was too mortified to see. One of them was a guy I knew from A&M....small tweaking world! LOL....and his BF that I also had slept with were there together. Oy vay! Does it make me sound less slutty if I say I slept with both at the same time? I didn't think so....
Last night while driving to my 12 step meeting, I realized how much I miss human contact. Not the regular day to day contact such as sharing in meetings, or talking with friends, but tactile contact. I'm not talking about sex or anything remotely sexual but I just miss being held, a hug here and there. I realize that my recovery has made me super needy, and I don't know if that is common or not with others in the same boat as me. Maybe I was just needy all along, but the urge for human contact is overwhelming sometimes now.
My heart today has this heavy feeling that I can't shake, and it's weighing me down. It's because I am so lonely that it is almost crippling. I don't know what to do about it. In my meetings there is a acyronym called HALT that means to never get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely, or too Tired. As a result, this week I have desperately trying to connect with someone....anyone.....that will just give me a hug and tell me I'm ok. Problem is that I'm afraid once I get that hug, I might not let go.
In no way do I want to endanger my sobriety by getting my heart broken right now by someone, yet the alternative of just masking it and saying I'm ok when I'm not sounds equally as unappealing. It's a double edged sword, but unfortunately I am already bleeding.
3:45 p.m. - 2005-08-04
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