Welcome to my happily ever after...
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it's time
Well, only 2 hours left here at work today. So far it's going by rather quickly, and to that I say YEE HAW!
I can't stop thinking about Lucas today for some reason. I thought I'd dealt with a lot of those feelings and they were subsiding a bit, yet I never cease to be amazed when they pop out at unexpected moments. One thing that has really been on my mind has been that I've been needing to get an HIV test for ages. I have a horrifying story of things I have done in the last few months, and I guess there is no time like the present to write it all down.
Now I think I have written here before that Lucas, my psycho ex BF, is HIV positive. I was negative....or at least that I knew of as of February when I met him. Between the meth and the strong feelings that I had for him, I bottomed for him repeatedly without a condom. Each time when he tried to pull out before he shot his load, I wrapped my legs around him so he could not. I wanted it IN me. If he was going to go through something so horrible, in my mind I convinced myself that I was going to suffer too. It was going to be us against the world, and in a sick way, I wanted him to infect me.
As I think I have also mentioned, we also didn't have a monogamous relationship. We slept with others, many poz, rather often.
I know that I am poz now even though I haven't officially gotten tested yet. I wanted to try to get things settled down a bit before I went down that road, and I certainly am not sexually active right now. However it's now time. I need to get that test.
I just can't let the outcome lead me back to meth again. I've come too far in the last 3 weeks.
Wow, it's only been 3 weeks. It seems like a year ago, easily.
My target date to be back living on my own is sometime in October, and I am using that as my incentive to get better and better. Yet I know that if I were to go out on my own right now, I simply am not ready. And I fucking love that I can admit that to myself right now.
4:10 p.m. - 2005-07-26
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