Welcome to my happily ever after...
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if love is a fool, then I'm a fucking idiot
The word to describe my weekend? Disappointment. With a capital D.
I had plans Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights that all went to shit. Friday night I was going to hang out with my friend Bill, but he text msgd me (didn't even take the time to call) and cancelled saying he had to do something with his folks. Then the dumbass called me last night telling me how drunk he'd gotten with his friends Friday night. I guess he didn't even remember his lie he'd told me.
Sat night I was going to hang out with a guy I met at AA. I was supposed to call him when my NA meeting was over around 10:30, and when I did he wasn't home. I hung out in Houston for 2 hours with my friend Andrew waiting for the dude to call me back, but he never did. Fucker. I mean, he even called and left me a voice mail during my meeting just to make sure I was still up for hanging out. Whatevs.
So Sunday afternoon that dude called and apologized and asked me to come to his house at 7:00 to watch a movie. When I get there, he's not there. I waited about 30 mins and then went to Borders to kill time. He calls at 7:45 and says he's at a pool party and won't be there until 8:30 at which point I tell him don't bother. Then I get in the car and drive my a$$ back to Kingwood. What a mother.
I spent so many months when I was fucked up allowing people to treat me like shit, and I'm finally setting some boundaries. I could tell when the guy called back later that night and left a VM for me (I put him straight in VM when I saw it was him), he really was sorry that he'd done that to me. But you know, is being sorry really enough? Also, when you first meet someone new, they are generally on their best behavior. If he's like this now, what would he be like after he got to know me? Geez.
Besides, everything happens for a reason. In this case, the reason is that I am needy as all get out right now and the last thing I need is to get in a relationship. They say I shouldn't even think about dating the first year that I'm in recovery. I hate that. But I guess while I'm still trying out my wobbly new legs, how I am supposed to do the tango with someone? I can barely do the funky chicken for goodness sake.
Also, does anyone out there know what an AA sponsor is? Basically it's a mentor of sorts to a newcomer in the program, and they help you stay on the track to recovery. Well, Friday night I caught my sponsor online looking for people to do drugs with, so I was a bit discouraged about that as you might imagine because whether I meant to or not, I considered my sponsor to be an angel that did no wrong. When I found him online looking for guys to come over, get fucked up, and then plant their load in his ass (that's a quote), the first thing I did was hightail it to a 12 step meeting.
If I say something though, everyone promise not to hit me over the head for it? I sometimes feel like AA has a cult-ish vibe to it. I just don't know how to describe it. I like the meetings, but I sometimes wonder if I'm going to them out of boredom or just to occupy my time.
Don't tell anyone I said that....
1:55 p.m. - 2005-08-01
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