Welcome to my happily ever after...
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my reaction to failure
Failure is defined by our reaction to it.
oh hell yes. I want that tattooed somewhere on my body.
Failure is something that I am becoming really good at. Yet I am also going to pat myself on the back and say that I am also really good at dusting myself off...
I've been wanting to write here for ages now! Here goes:
On the 4th of July, I packed up everything I had that I would need for pretty much now on, and I went straight to Kingwood to stay with my folks for what I guess will be a long, long time. I am in the process of selling my condo, and once that's done I guess I'll put all my stuff in storage and then live with my parents until I am strong enough to live on my own again. I'm also doing outpatient rehab at night.
I'm also finally back at work. Until I came back here a week ago on Tuesday, I last sat at my desk here at work on June 13th when I made up a story about having an accident in my pants and left work at noon. I then got on the phone the second that I got in the car and arranged to have a friend meet me at my apartment to do drugs...and that's where I was from that point until this past Monday. Geez. And before that, I hadn't been at work since 05/27! So I walked out on 05/27, came back 06/13 and stayed half a day, then didn't come back until 07/05. How on earth did I keep my job? I have no idea, but I'm not going to question things too much....
I apologize to myself for not being more forthright about what all was going on around me, but I was in denial that I was even having a problem. In April when I found out that my BF and I were breaking up by finding the Uhaul in front of my condo, I've been in a tailspin ever since. As a result, the dr*gs kept me from really feeling anything, and my feelings regarding my breakup and just as raw as they were that day I watched that Uhaul drive off from my house. I still actually find myself thinking I should call him to check in like I always did, then I catch myself and say that no, we broke up 3 months ago. wow.
The weekends are what I've been dreading, and I know I'm going to feel like rat in a cage, but you know, perhaps some boring time spent reading and watching TV is what I need to do for a while. I need to find things to do that give me time to THINK, which is something I haven't done in a long, long time. You know, I can feel the old Jonathan start to reemerge again though.....and it feels really really good.
I may not be anywhere near where I need to be yet, but dammit I'm working on it every way I know how, both physically and mentally. And that my friends is how I am reacting to complete and utter failure....
3:30 p.m. - 2005-07-13
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