Welcome to my happily ever after...
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pain
I can�t even begin to describe the pain I feel right now. That note that I put in my last entry I actually sent to the ex, and when I checked my mail today I had a response telling me that I am blaming him for my drug use. He also included a little gem of a line saying something like that if I don�t get the help I need, he�s going to cut me off and not have anything else to do with me. Cut me off any more than I already am? I wrote back and told him to go fuck himself, in a roundabout way of course.
Wow. What in the world is more painful than giving your heart to someone that takes it from you , throws it on the ground, and then stomps up and down on it? It hurts so bad I can hardly sit here and write this. Why you ask does it still hurt so bad almost a month after the fact? Because I am just now dealing with it�.up until now I�ve covered it up with drugs.
True pain is something I haven�t felt in a long, long time. I don�t think I care for it much, but at least it lets me know I am alive.
Oh dear�.its hurts so much that I feel like someone ran up and kicked me in the stomach when I wasn�t looking. Looking at the calendar, we broke up 04/22. I am just now wrapping my brain around it now, and here it is well over a month later. It's almost as if time has stood still for the last 32 days....as if I fell asleep for a really long time, and now that I'm awake I can't figure out what all has changed during my slumber. Seriously, how did the time go so fast? I have spent the last 32 days continuously fucked up!
Too bad it�s not 1993 and the waif look isn�t all the rage since I�m down to 122 lbs, which is about 23 lbs less than I was 6 months ago. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at times, and I look like all hips and ribs. It is truly a horrific sight. I�m hoping that eating regular meals and a protein shake here and there will get me a little more back to normal. Tonight in fact I�m going to go to the gym and try to sweat out some of the toxins I�m carrying around with me. I still can�t believe the amount of crystals that ooze out of my pores after I shower.
A minute ago I found myself thinking �I wish there was some sort of magic pill I could take that would take all the pain away and make me happy��.that is scary. That is what got me into this mess to begin with.
But right now I need to think about this pain in my stomach. It's about to kill me.
1:04 p.m. - 2005-05-24
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