Welcome to my happily ever after...
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closure
Lucas,
I'm sure that you have heard that I haven't been doing the best since you moved out. I have covered up any feelings I've had with drugs, and as a result things are now boiling to a head. If I don't take the bull by the horns and take control of my actions, I will be too far gone to help myself, and I am too strong a person to allow myself to self-destruct. I feel that one of the things I need to do is to address the thing that put me into a tailspin to begin with, which is our breakup. I owe that to myself, and it is high time that I get these things out.
I loved you more than you could ever possibly know. Although we didn't have the most conventional relationship for sure, I wanted nothing but the best for you, and was willing to give everything I had to help. This meant both physically, financially, and of just myself in general. When you moved out, you told me that I never did anything to help you and that I never supported you in anything. That is not true, and if you felt this way I am sorry. I am sorry that you felt this way, not sorry for my actions because I thought I was doing a pretty good job. By no means do I feel that I was perfect....far, far from it. However if there was something else you needed from me that I wasn't giving you, you should have asked for it.
The second thing I would like to address is your ability to completely turn your feelings off. You got mad at me and pretty much flipped the switch and turned any feelings you had for me off, when five minutes before we started bickering we lay in bed where you told me you loved me. I can't just turn feelings off, and with me they have to just gradually subside over time. For you to come and get your things and never speak to me ever again just because we fought over my not wanting you to drive just about killed me.
The things I told you I was feeling when we were together were real. I wasn't just reciting lines from a play or telling you what I thought you wanted to hear. Everything I said to you, including that I loved you, was exactly what I was feeling at that moment. Now do I think that we were meant to be together forever? Probably not, no. Do I feel that I did the right thing with you all the time? Heck no. But I don't think that anything I did warrented being completely phased out of your life forever.
I'm done. That's what I wanted to say. I should have done this a long time ago. However better late than never.
Good luck with your move. I still wish you nothing but the best, and I sincerely hope you find the love you are looking for.
Jonathan
4:36 p.m. - 2005-05-23
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