Welcome to my happily ever after...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
full steam ahead
My life is in shambles. I hear people say that all the time, yet I see that they still have something to cling onto....one more rung of that ladder left to desperately hang onto. My case is severely different. I am holding on with the tips of my fingernails to the scrap of rope at the end of that rope ladder.
My electricity was turned off last Thursday. Yup, you read that right, no electricity. Luck would have it that I had a trick over, and embarrassing as that was, his dad had just retired after 30 years with Houston Lighting and Power, so the guy asked me "do you have wire cutters and a screwdriver?", and 5 minutes later I had my power back on, albeit illegally. So I have about 30 days to get away with this before they notice.
I have - $.24 in my checking account. I was stupid yet again and let a guy I didn't know stay with me, and as a result he milked my account dry.
I haven't been to work in over a week and a half. I took a leave of absence from work and did drugs every day. I did so much crystal meth and I am not kidding: last night I sat in front of the mirror for 2 hours with a pair of tweezers and pulled little crystals out of the skin on my face. Cute, huh?
Tomorrow I simply must go back to work. I fully expect to be fired first thing when I walk in the door, even though HR were the ones that recommended that I take this time off. They think I have AIDS. Why you ask? That's what I told them. I'm going to hell in a handbasket just for that right there.
Oh yeah, did I tell you I found out that the police have me under surveillance? Yes, they are both watching me and have my house and car bugged. I got an "anonymous" IM from someone on gay.com telling me that one of the dealers made a deal with the authorities, and they are going to bust someone at each level going all the way down to the average Joe on the street, meaning me. I tangled with a rather important guy in the drug org chart a few months ago when I wouldn't date him and walked out on him and took a cab home when I went somewhere with him one day, and since he has been determined to ruin my life. It's working.
I'm still trying to deal with the loss of my most recent relationship. Carlos moved out and I barely batted an eyelash. I just had a breakdown in the shower yesterday about Lucas, the newest one. One minute he was telling me how much he loved me, the next he turns his feelings off and moves out without a fanfare. How can someone do that?
I've got to turn this ship around somehow. I'm the Titanic barreling full steam ahead toward that iceberg, and I can see the iceberg....I can fucking see it! But is there time to turn the ship?
1:24 p.m. - 2005-05-23
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------