Welcome to my happily ever after...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
shit I've seen
I've been meaning to write a new entry for a while now. I had a rather interesting weekend. When I got home on Friday, my "boyfriend" was there with his truck where he proceeded to load up all his possessions and leave screech marks in front of my house driving off. It made me feel really good coming from someone that I've allowed into my life and my home. But you know, after talking to friends about it this weekend, it was for the best. I'll elaborate more later.
So I bet some of you have wondered how the last 5 or so months have been. I'll be honest: they have been sheer and utter hell. I have somehow managed to hold onto my sanity, but at times that looked like it might be the only thing I still might have.
Drugs ruins everything. And all roads lead back to drugs, no matter how hard I try to get away from them. Virtually every person I have met in the last 5 months has turned out to be nothing like what I thought. I prided myself on being a good judge of character, but man, I have been so wrong. I mean, how good can I be though when I've been awake for 4 days straight? I can't begin to tell you the grinding fatigue from lack of sleep. How about falling asleep while driving to work while going 80 mph down the freeway? I have a collection of cigarette burns on the floorboard of my car where I would fall asleep and drop my cig, only to pop out of it a split second later and desperately grasping between my legs for the renegade cig. Falling asleep at my desk. The places I have gone and the dregs of humanity I have associated with, usually for two reasons: 1) in an effort to score more drugs, or 2) in an effort to be with someone like me...someone that was currently fucked up too, and who that was, I didn't really care.
How about the guy I met online that I thought I was dating for a while who just disappeared one day? One day out of the blue this guy messages me and tells me to come hang out with him at his house. He says he's never done drugs before, and he wants someone to party with and show him how. I do, and of course we ended up sleeping together. This goes on for weeks, and he finally asks me if I'll introduce him to some folks he could buy from himself. I do, and then the next day I go to his apartment and it is empty. He is gone, no goodbye, no note, no nothing. His online profile? Deleted. His cell phone? Disconnected. So I was completely bowled over....I'd been sleeping with the guy for weeks! 3 months later I'm sitting in a drug dealer's house, not paying much attention when I hear someone say "Jonathan...." and when I look up it's the guy. My mouth falls open. WTF? When he leaves, I ask the dealer how he knows the guy....I tell him I taught him how to party, who to buy from, that he disappeared. The dealer laughed and asked me "was the last time you saw him right after you introduced him to people he could buy from in his area?" Why yes! Dealer says "it's an old trick....that guy has worked for me for years. He was just sniffing out his competition in the area."
Basically the whole thing, including his renting an apartment and fucking me for weeks and weeks was all an elaborate plan to gather information. fucked up, right?
Since then the shit I've seen would turn your hair white. My windows in my condo mysteriously are unlocked. Things just disappear and I wasn't the one who moved or took them. I've changed the locks in my house three times, and I still don't go to bed feeling safe.
I bought new bedroom furniture in October, remember? In February I realized I'd only slept in my new bed three times. THREE TIMES....because I hadn't been sleeping, and then when I did sleep, I only felt safe at someone else's house.
The shit I've seen.....
4:10 p.m. - 2005-04-28
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------