Welcome to my happily ever after...
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help each other
Tuesday. I'm at work counting the minutes until time to go home.
Last night wasn't all that bad. I got home around 5:00 and made dinner while chatting with Jacob. We then sat down and ate and finally TALKED, which was something we needed to do for a long time. I told him that we both needed to get some help. I need help for my alcoholism, he needs help with crystal. He said that he was going to try to slow down some. Having a boyfriend that deals it though, I know he used during the day while I was gone. How do I know? Because he told me that he used my pipe that I'd given him the night before.
When I went in my bedroom last night after work, I saw a lube stain on the comforter. I knew exactly what it was, but I said "Has the cat been on my bed? There's a stain on my comforter..." He fessed up to being his fault. He'd had a trick over and they fucked on my bed. Now who has sex on their roommate's bed when they are at work? He has his own bed. Geez. I managed to keep my cool about it and said "I'm not mad that you got a stain on the bed....that can be washed. What I am mad about is that you tried to hide it from me." I swear I feel like I have a 5 year old sometimes.
I came clean to Carlos about everything. All of it. I even told him that I was an alcoholic the whole time we were together and that I'd become really good at just hiding it. He told me that I wasn't that good at hiding it, and that he always knew what I was doing. Interesting. I emailed him today and told him not be mad at me and that I really need his help right now. He keeps saying that nothing he can do will help me, however I think he is wrong. I don't want him to think he has to keep watch over me and swoop in a save me if I feel like I'm about to use. I do however think he could help by just calling to see how I'm doing every once in a while, and especially calling to see what I am doing when he hasn't heard from me for a few days in a row. I simply can't have another week like the last one. I don't even know who that person was.
Anywho, Carlos is coming over tonight so we can talk. He wants to talk about all this in person rather than on the phone or on email.
I am very very sleepy today even though I was in bed last night at 10:00. I slept so well that I didn't even wake up to pee. Not even once, and that is just not like me. I guess that making up for 8 days of lost sleep is hard. I took some movies back around 8:00 last night, and when I got home some guy was in my living room smoking crystal with Jacob. I need to now have to the talk with him telling him that he needs to be careful about who he has in my house.
Jacob took his backpack with him and then stayed out all night. I wonder what slutty thing he was up to last night? I've never met anyone more sexually insatiable since.....well, me. Of course when I left for work this morning around 6 AM, he wasn't home yet. Heck, given the week we just had, we hadn't even started getting going good at 6 AM yet. Scary, huh?
I desperately want to help Jacob. However I also want to help myself too. Did I write here that I finally figured out why I feel I need to help him? I mean...I hardly even know the guy! Total I've known him 3 weeks.
Here goes:
I see myself in him. Everything crappy thing he does, every mean thing he says, every damn puff he takes off that goddamn pipe, I see myself. Six months ago, he was the Senior Systems Analyst at a prestigous bank. Now he is unemployed, homeless, and sick. And terribly drug dependent.
I was once in his shoes. About 4 years ago when I wasn't working, part of the reason it took so long to find a job is because of my drinking. I would get drunk every night, and then the whole next day would be shot because I felt bad from the night before. Repeat this for 18 months and that is my story. If it hadn't been for my parents, I'd be just like Jacob is right now.
I want to help him.
I want to help myself.
Maybe we can help each other?
2:00 p.m. - 2004-12-21
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