Welcome to my happily ever after...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HIV test today
I'm getting an HIV test today at 2 PM. Jacob is going to the clinic to get his initial labwork done to see what his T-cell count is and whatever else they test to see what type of treatment he should be getting. Then it takes a whole month for him to get those results before he even knows anything. I find that somewhat cruel, but I guess that's what you get with public health care. I figured this was as good a time as any for me to get tested, and although my encounter last week will not have had an opportunity to have incubated (or whatever the fuck you want to call it), I would like to know if I was poz before Jacob and I fucked. I decided I'm going to fork over the $60 for the 20 minute test because I just can't wait two weeks for the results. Plus at least I'll have someone there with me, even if it is the person that probably will end up killing me. If I do find out then and there that I'm poz, what will keep me from going home, putting my ass in the air, and letting Jacob fuck the shit out of me for as long as he wants. I mean...what would I stand to lose?
Last night was odd. Carlos came over at 6:30 and I spilled the beans on everything. Instead of wanting to talk about what is going on right here and now, he wanted to bring up issues with our now defunct relationship. He kept telling me over and over again how pathetic I am, and I managed not to completely blow up. In fact I just sat there and took it because I knew it was 4 years worth of frustrations on his part finally coming out. Towards the end, things got better, however I can tell he thinks I am a complete fuck up. Well that makes two of us.
I haven't done crystal since Sunday afternoon. Seeing that I practically had my pipe hanging out of my mouth 24/7 the week before, I knew things would be bad this week. I can't stay awake for anything! Last night, driving home from work was brutal. I literally had to keep hitting my fist on my thighs when I was driving to keep from falling asleep, and even that didn't work great. I sincerely hope that this goes away soon because it is miserable. I read on the internet though that withdrawal can last as long as 60 days though. fuccccckkkk. I don't think I can deal with being tired that long. I'm about to pass out as I write this right now....
I thought that doing crystal was going to be like drinking: you play, and then you pay for maybe a day or so. Not so with crystal. The "hangover" is like nothing I can even begin to describe.
What will I do today if I find out that I am HIV poz? Will I pass out? Will I just handle it stoically, hold my chin up, and say "This is nothing that I cannot deal with". Will I sit there and weep silently? Who knows? If it does come to that, I must remember that this is the result of the choices that I have made in the past. Cause and effect. And everything happens for a reason. I have talked to people in the past that said they were somewhat let down they found out that they were not HIV poz, and I don't get that. To me that's somewhat akin to the people that get disappointed when the hurricane with 150 MPH winds suddenly turns at the last minute and hits someplace else. Now don't get me wrong...I don't think that having HIV is a big deal at all, however I don't think it's something that anyone should particularly WANT. Kinda like getting a new car and then someone putting a big dent in one of the fenders. You don't have the money to get the fender fixed, however you wouldn't just get rid of the whole car because of one fender. Do not trade in the car.
I have got the get this shit out of my system soon. My body jerks around so much that I look like a crazy person. When I start getting sleepy, I can't control what I am doing. It's bad. Here I am coming up on a 4 day weekend. How will I manage to be good?
10:51 a.m. - 2004-12-22
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------