Welcome to my happily ever after...
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addiction
I'm an addict. I become addicted to anything that provides me with pleasure, whether it be long term or short term pleasure. I had a bad, bad week starting last Monday, and I am barely coming out of it as I write this.
Where do I begin? I guess right from the beginning.
A couple of weeks ago, I met a guy at a party that seemed like a nice enough guy. He talked about being down on his luck, unemployed, and hanging by a thread at the place he'd been crashing. Well, a week ago Sunday, I was online rather late and I see him online and say hello. He says that he has been kicked out of his place and didn't have anywhere to go. Without really thinking about it, I say "Well, I have an extra bedroom you could stay in for a while until you figure out what to do."
Long story short, the next day after work, I pick him up at the guy's house that he was at, and from then on I had a new roommate. So we go back to my house, move the furniture around and make things homey, then begin smoking crystal. Yup....I said it. Crystal. Turns out that his boyfriend is a crystal dealer, and therefore it is always readily available. So we get fucked up and next thing I know, I'm calling in sick to work the next day. Smart, huh? That was because I'd stayed up all night the night before. This goes on all day on Tuesday as well...smoking a ton of crystal and then being super lazy. Repeat this Wednesday through Friday. I called in sick a total of 3 days and took a vacation day on Friday. Scary. By the time I went to bed last night, I'd been awake for close to 8 days with as little as 15 mins of sleep at a time.
Needless to say, I was in a drug induced fog for days. Wednesday was my birthday, and I didn't even take the time to listen to my voice mails and read my emails I got for it. It got in the way of my drugs.
I hung out with Jacob, my new roommate 24/7 for the first few days. I mean, since we were using, we stayed up 24 hours a day and never felt tired. At one point on Wednesday, he asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I said "rent lots and lots of porn", so that's what we did. When we get back to my house, we watch porn while he's feet away from me on the computer. Before I know it, he's sucking my dick. Then we end up in the bedroom.
He asks if I've even done a bootie bump before. I say no...what's that? It's where a tiny bit of crystal mixed with water is inserted into your ass, and the purpose is to loosen you up and reduce the pain involved when you have anal sex. So he prepares and bootie bump and carefully inserts it. It felt good. So guess who got fucked without a condom? Me. The non-bottom. And when things were coming to a close, what does your gracious host here say to the guy? "Cum in me man....".
He did. I found out later that day that he's HIV poz. When I yelled at him "WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT?!!!!", he said "I thought you knew....and I thought you were too". No, I was not. At least before then I wasn't. Now I get to sit it out and wait to get tested because it takes a certain amount of time for HIV to show up if you have contracted it. I haven't even begun to process this in my head yet. Plus the guy is living with me, so I have been a complete bitch on wheels the last few days. Imagine someone essentially trying to kill you even though you are letting them live with you rent free and then having to see them all the time because they live with you. Yeah...it's super fun.
Plus the guy is totally addicted to crystal, and having a boyrfriend that's a dealer makes getting it as easy as going to the store for milk.
I missed Carlos's college graduation on Sunday because I simply forgot. I was coming down off the weekend's activities, and I flat out forgot. He is barely speaking to me right now. In fact, I got the following email from him this morning:
I think maybe we should stop talking for a while. I think it will do the both of us some good. I think I am getting my life on the right track and really looking forward to a brighter future......you, on the other hand, are making poor decisions and need to take a step back and look into helping yourself.
That hurts. It really, really hurts. It makes me want to go home and do more crystal.
12:12 p.m. - 2004-12-20
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