Welcome to my happily ever after...
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anxiety
Tuesday. I have a doctor's appointment at 9:45 downtown to evaluate whether or not my anxiety medication has been working. I can't decide. I am thinking it is not, but how can I really tell? So I'm skipping out of here around 9 AM so I can haul my ass down there. The thought of going downtown and looking for a place to park makes me....say it all together now: ANXIOUS! Tuesday is my really busy day at work and I am hoping that I don't come back to a huge mess upon my return. My backup that should be taking care of things in my absence is less than stellar at covering for me.
I figured that everyone would like my sex entry yesterday and I've have lots of notes this morning. Hrrrmph.
The guy who sits in the cubicle next to me is infinitely interested in what I am looking at on the internet. When I look at diaries, I can tell that he is craning his neck to see, and quite frankly it drives me nuts. Our cubicles have windows so you can see what the person next to you is doing at all times, and I must wonder if that defeats the whole purpose of having a wall. In our new office we move to in less than a month, there won't even be walls. They say it will be more conducive to working. Conducive my ass. They do it so they can keep tabs on us. In the new building, they arranged the floor so that everyone in the company but my work group has an actual office with a door. They spent months working with designers to figure out how to accomplish that, and somehow or another they did. Everyone but us. Have I ever mentioned that upper management also discourages mid-level management from socializing with us, such as going to lunch, etc. More than one person has been called in and told it might be considered inappropriate to be seen going to lunch with one of us.
See why I fucking hate my job? I mean I may be as low on the totem pole as you can get around here, but you don't have to treat me like it, ya know?
My advice: don't work for a privately held company. They can pretty much do whatever they want and don't have to answer to anyone but themselves. It's super fun. I simply can't find anything in the bit of looking around that I am suitable for. My agency likes me here because I think that I have to stay a certain amount of time before they collect their whole placement fee, so I'm certain that they won't help me find something else. I am pretty much left to my own devices, and with the job market the way it is right now, people just aren't posting jobs out there. The way to get a job is through knowing someone, and quite frankly, I don't know that many people here in Houston. All my friends either do exactly what I do or are students/artists/hippies that aren't really in the professional world.
I am always jealous when I come across people in life that are doing exactly what they love in life. I am also jealous of those people that knew early in life what they wanted to do with themselves and pursued it. Here I am at 32 years old and I still have no idea. I do know that what I'm doing now just won't cut it. I can't allow my job to make me sick like it has my dad.
I hope when I'm downtown I don't run into anyone I worked with at Shell. I simply do not have the patience to be social today.
8:39 a.m. - 2004-06-29
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