Welcome to my happily ever after...
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aparigraha
Is it already Wednesday? I hope that today goes as fast as Monday and Tuesday did. Carlos bought the newest Lord of the Rings movie yesterday, so he really wanted to watch it last night. Seeing as how I'd rather have teeth pulled than watch that movie, all 3 1/2 hours worth, I retreated to the bedroom and alternately read and watched TV. I hadn't seen that show on PBS called Colonial House, however it looked really interesting. Shame that I found it on its last episode.
I went to the library on lunch yesterday and checked out a book on healing yourself through meditation. I really do believe in the power of the mind, however I am not quite sure why when I try things like that, my mind always wanders to things like sex. One track mind, I tell ya.
I came across a word in a book I've been reading lately: aparigraha. It means greedlessness, and it can range from worldly possessions to consuming only as much as you need of something. That is something very interesting to me.
I always find myself with the need to hoard things. I'm sure that is quite evident by my diary. When I find something that I like, I want to accumulate as much of it as possible in the event that I will run out and then be without. This can apply to shoes, vitamins, food. Heck , when I found my diet pills on sale at GNC, I bought 3 bottles in the event that I might "run out". I don't like being like that. I find myself at times overwhelmed by all the STUFF that I have accumulated.
I go to friends' houses that have sparse furnishings and sparse knick-knacks, and I am at times jealous. They aren't burdened down by a bunch of stuff. I have a friend whose house burned down a couple of years ago. It took a while for her to say this, however after a year or so, I asked her how she felt about it, to which she replied "it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me." When she elaborated, she said that for so many years she had been toting around things that she never really even liked but kept because they belonged to her grandmother or other family member. She said that although it hurt at the time when she lost these things, she realized that it was the memory of her grandmother that she held dear, not necessarily the owl-shaped macrame plant holder. She says that now when she brings something home, she only brings home things that she really likes.
Stuff really does not make me happy. There are things that I thought I might die if I didn't get. A good example is my watch I just had to have. I find myself not ever even wanting to wear it for fear that something might happen to it, and that doesn't make me happy. New shoes make my heart smile for a little while, but in the long run, that good feeling wears off way too fast.
Thinking about this even more, my longing to acquire things and my tendency to overindulge I think are somehow related. Too much of a good thing is not always a good thing, whether it be sex, alcohol, Charlie's Angels, whatever.
I still no matter what am always brought back to my past. I am struggling to overcome something. I just wish that I knew what exactly that is.
12:20 p.m. - 2004-05-26
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