Welcome to my happily ever after...
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long-term happiness
This week is going fast! I hope the rest of the week goes as quickly. Then I'll be on the road to Dallas. Don't let me forget to charge the batteries for my camera so I'll have some pictures to share when I get back.
I didn't do much last night other than watch TV and eat lots of candy. Carlos brought me candy from work, and we sat there watching Alias that I'd taped for him while I ate Now and Laters like mad. So much for my diet, right?
I bought some cute new shoes yesterday on my lunch. As much as I like to say that possessions don't make me happy, I have to admit that sometimes they do. They don't have me long-term happy of course, but sometimes I'll settle for short-term. I have no problem with that at all....at least for now.
What does bring long-term happiness? I have a few theories. I think that service to others brings happiness, such as volunteering your time for a worthy cause. You know that even though one might be volunteering their time and effort to try to help others, I think that in the long run people are doing it to make themselves feel good. I see no problem with that because as I've mentioned before, I don't think there is any real selfless act.
I think that inner serenity brings happiness. Or does happiness bring inner serenity? What came first...the chicken or the egg?
I'm looking for serenity. I have been for years, and although I think I have some ideas of what brings true inner peace, it still seems to be right outside of my grasp. I know everyone is sick of me saying it, but I have issues that I need to deal with. The hard part though is finding out exactly what they are. I didn't have a particular happy childhood...not because of my parents or because I wanted or needed anything tangible, but as a teenager I feel much like I do right now. I was and am still searching for something....something. I don't know what that something is though.
I have dreamed about high school every day this week. Just like the week before and the week before that, and so on. I think that my subconscious is going back to that time in my life to try to reconcile something. Or remind me of something.
I hope that we don't hang out in bars the whole time we're in Dallas this weekend. Maddey swears that we won't. Saturday afternoon we're getting together with my buddy Monica's mother and taking her out for coffee and shopping, and then that night we're going to a barbecue at Susie's brother's house. That sounds right up my alley.
I'm hoping that the time away from Carlos will do us some good. I know I can be a shitty boyfriend at times. I know I complain about him here in my diary to no end, however he really is a nice guy. I need to try to be a better boyfriend.
So far today hasn't been bad at all. I hope it stays that way.
9:28 a.m. - 2004-03-31
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