Welcome to my happily ever after...
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SFA experience
My diary must S-U-C-K. The people who had me listed as one of their favs are leaving in droves. I must have said something to offend....
Last night I went home and watched a ton of TV and then went to bed around 10. There was a show on TLC at 9 called something like "The Miracle of Birth", and they had a set of twins on it from Houston where one brother was straight and the other gay. Carlos and I know the gay one, and we just happened to see it by turning through the channels. I've known many, many identical twins where one was gay and the other straight. I even knew a set of identical gay twins when I was at A&M. It was very confusing...I never knew which one I was talking to.
When I went off to A&M in '92, I was so worried that I was going to be the only gay person there seeing as how much of a military school it is. Little did I know that in a school with 45,000 students there were bound to be a large # of homos. Now what was hard was my freshman year in 1990 when I went off to Stephen F Austin University in Nacogdoches, Texas. I went there to be with my friends from high school, and halfway through my freshman year I came out as a big homosexual. A big one. Now most people would find some sort of support group to help them go through the process, however I didn't know one single gay person. Not in Houston, not in Nacogdoches, nowhere. So I went through the whole experience by myself. This was way before the era of the internet, so it wasn't like I could get online and meet others there. I couldn't find any coming out websites. I sorted out everything all by myself.
I went home to Houston every weekend and stayed with my folks. I'd lie about going out with friends and go driving around in Montrose, the gay part of town. I don't know how I managed to find the gay bars, but one night when I was home on Thanksgiving break, I found JRs. I don't know how I managed to do it seeing as how I was only 18 but looked only about 15 back then, but I parked and walked right into JRs. I hung out there and chatted with some strangers. It was then that I knew I needed to tell others about myself to move the process along. I told my friend Chad when I got back to school that Monday. (LOL...and turns out that Chad was gay too....but the fucknut didn't come out to me until a few months ago).
I was living in the dorms at the time (yea Mays!), and it eventually got out that I was gay. I'd only told a handful of people there, however SFA was a teeny, tiny college so word spread like wildfire. As a result, I perceived that everyone was talking about me. In retrospect, I think I made a big deal out of nothing because I don't remember one negative word ever said to me, however any time anyone looked at me strangely I perceived it as gay bashing. I lived in a private room, so I just took to my room the whole spring semester. I didn't go to class or to hang out with any of my friends that I went all the way to SFA to be with because I was embarrassed and ashamed. If I remember, the only time I left my room was to eat and to shower, and there were times when I had to pee so badly I couldn't stand it (we had central bathrooms...one per floor), so I would pee in a coke can to keep from running into someone. I know, I was gross, but I didn't want to take the chance. Hiding was the only survival skill I had ever mastered.
So when the semester was over, I moved home to Houston and lived with the folks again until I was 20 and went to A&M. That's where the good gay stuff started happening.
This entry is for sfaboi. I'm sure that SFA is waaay different than it was back in the day. Also sfaboi, send me your email address so I can get in touch with you. I'm curious to see what gay life is like there now....
12:15 p.m. - 2004-02-24
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