Welcome to my happily ever after...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
fluctutation
Well, the weekend is over. How did it go so darn fast? It rained all day yesterday, and once I got back from the folks house, I just piddled around the rest of the day. I made chimichangas for dinner, and they were a hit. I have a hard time finding things that Carlos likes to eat, so I'm glad I spent those 10 minutes perusing recipes.com.
While visiting the parents yesterday, we were sitting there having lunch, and out of the blue I had a mini-breakdown, complete with crying and face distortion a la Britney the other night in her interview. I didn't know where that came from. I told them that I needed to get some sort of help figuring all this out, and they told me that even if I don't have insurance any time soon they would pay for me to see a therapist. Keep in mind that I have probably cried only 5 times in my whole life (something that I'm not all that particularly proud of, mind you), so I knew they knew that I am really messed up.
They think I should go back to school and they want to pay for that as well. What the heck am I supposed to study this time?
My self-esteem has been so darn low lately. My body is suffering from all the horrible things I've put in it recently, and even though I haven't really gained any weight, my body has changed in the last month from not working out much. Normally I have a thin layer of fur on my chest and stomach, and last Thursday as an effort to make myself go work out, I clipped it all off so I didn't have anything to hide under. Every time now I walk by a mirror I gasp and vow to work out more. We shall see if it works.
My mind is another story. My self-esteem is so fragile that I can only liken it to extremely delicate china that you would put up in a china cabinet. I don't want to take it out of the cabinet and handle or touch it very often for fear that I might drop it and break it into a million pieces. Up to now, I have only just "chipped" it and managed to glue it back together. This time though I can't help but feel like I have broken it beyond repair. I don't know how to glue it back together this time...
I know that drinking is a big issue right now. I fluctutate back and forth about things so frequently: one day I make a firm affirmation that I have to stop, then the next I get upset or stressed out about something and long for Friday and Saturday night when I can have a few drinks. In fact, the holidays are a rough time for me.
I am such a functioning alcoholic. I have it down to an art form. I don't drink at all during the week, and then on Friday and Saturday, I have so carefully orchestrated things to facilitate my drinking.
I have got to deal with all these things in my head rather than just dull them with alcohol, thus I have decided that I am going to not drink for 90 days and see what happens. This will definitely be tough. First of all, my birthday falls during that time. Next week I'm going to Austin for the weekend with Carlos, Tasha, and Greg. Then Christmas. Hell, Thanksgiving is next week, and there is nothing I have liked better in the past than coming back from visiting the family and kicking back with a 12 pack of beer. But I have to do this....I have to show myself that I can abstain. I have to put it in terms of a challenge to myself. I can fucking do this.
9:34 a.m. - 2003-11-17
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------