Welcome to my happily ever after...
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anywhere but here
I so desperately have got to stop living in the past. I sit around and think about various times in my life and yearn to go back to those days. Not one day, not one hour goes by where I don't think of how something was in the past and wish that I could recapture it in some way or another. And the funny thing is: I FUCKING HATED IT AT THE TIME!!! What is wrong with me? I can take the era around late 2000/early 2001 when I was unemployed, a huge drunk, going out to the bars all the time, and paying for my groceries with spare change I rounded up from under the seats of my car, and somehow I can romanticize it in my mind into thinking "Wow...what fun was that!". What is fucking wrong with me? I realize that everything is rosier in retrospect, but gimme a break. I seriously have the "anywhere but here" syndrome. BAD.
Lately I have been reliving (in my head) the time when I first started working at Shell in 09/01. The world was my oyster, so to speak. I had just broken up with Carlos, and I had money in my pocket and all the freedom in the world. Three weeks after I was hired, I was sent to Cleveland, OH for 3 months, and it seemed like a brave new world at the time. What I keep forgetting about was that I was living out of a hotel for 3 months, eating restaurant food EVERY meal for months, being stuck in OH after 9/11 because Shell didn't want us to fly home, not seeing family for months, not having any friends to talk to during that time. So why do I look back so fondly? I have no frigging idea. I was so desperate for some sort of interaction with others that I'd go to the bathhouse there in Cleveland on a Saturday afternoon and do something as lame as sitting in the communal TV room just to be around other people. Other NAKED people mind you, but at least I wasn't alone in my hotel room watching "Big Momma's House" on HBO for the 47th time.
You know how at the end of the Human Nature song, Madonna says "Absolutely no regrets...". Well, I have a ton of regrets. More than I could ever begin to document here. I still labor in my head over mistakes I made 10 years ago, and I have got to stop. There isn't anything I can do to change these things, and I have got to learn to just forget about them.
My ears suddenly are ringing. I hope it was my former employer's building exploding into a million pieces. No, I don't really mean that.
One more thing....who from Nordstrom is reading my diary? I'm dying to know. Send me an email if you don't want everyone else to find out.
9:25 a.m. - 2003-11-11
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