Welcome to my happily ever after...
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resilient
I've gotta make this fast. Carlos is on his way home from work early...
I can't turn my brain off. It's been going 100 miles an hour for the last two days, and I'm exhausted. I can tell that Carlos doesn't know what to say to me, and he's trying really hard. When I'm down like this, I'm not like most people...I just prefer to be alone. For example, Carlos called and asked if I wanted to go out with Mario and Greg for a while, and I told him I just wasn't up for it. He said that Tasha told him he was the worst BF ever for leaving me home alone, and I consider it quite the contrary. I need the alone time.
And frankly, I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while. I want to drink. I went to the store earlier and picked up a 12 pack of beer, and once Carlos is gone, I intend to drink myself into a mini stupor. I know it's not the right way to deal with problems...trust me, I do. I've been down this road many, many times. But I want to stop thinking about everything for just a little while. And I can then actually fall asleep tonight.
Just this once.
I find it interesting that 99% of the problems that I deal with, they are all things I have done to myself. So many people are always wondering why bad things happen to them, but no one ever wants to take responsiblity and realize that they are perpetuating the bad things themselves. I know that this is my fault. I fudged my resume to keep from putting a job down that I wasn't proud of myself for walking out on. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but apparently my ex-employer did. They made it sound like I had done something really, really wrong.
Did I mention that they had security escort me out of the building yesterday? That was super fun. I don't know how I can ever look anyone in the eye there again in the event I see them. My common sense tells me not to give a shit, but it's hard to actually do. At least it is right now.
My first nature is to document all the illegal things they did during my hiring process, and trust me, there were many. The old me would have written a rather nasty letter outlining all the rules and regulations they broke. I know that won't do any good other than make a little part of myself feel better.
I know that everything will be OK. It will....I am resilient and have been through much worse things than this.
I hope if I say that enough times, I can actually convince myself that it's true.
Thank you to everyone who has left me a nice note. I really do appreciate it.
7:42 p.m. - 2003-10-18
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