Welcome to my happily ever after...
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sugar daddy
Apparently Carlos is trying to punish me for the fight that he started Saturday night because he came home last night and ate the dinner I cooked him without really speaking to me. He then slept on the couch all night, which is something that he never does. I'm usually the one that gets mad and sleeps out there. If he thinks that's punishing me for something, he's quite wrong...I got the best sleep last night I've gotten in months.
This whole fight stems from sex. We don't have too terribly much of it, and my comment about having sex with an old boyfriend opened some sort of wound that I didn't really know was there. Also, my buying that dildo was a big mistake, because now we have the thing but neither one of us want to use it. We are both hoping that the other will take the initiative to use it.
To tell the truth, I'm not all that sexually attracted to Carlos after 4 years. There, I said it. I'm glad there are men who have been in relationships with other men for 40 years and can still get it up for each other. I'm just not programmed that way. Now don't get me wrong, I love Carlos to death. Most of the time. But we are just different....I don't know if it's the latin hormones or what, but he can get an erection from just touching me, and I don't do that. Not by a longshot.
I find myself mad at him quite often, and although it's a lot less than early in our relationship, when I get that way I just don't want to have anything to do with him. And whereas he gets hot and bothered and wants makeup sex after we fight, I am quite the opposite. I would much prefer to be left alone until I can get my head together. In this last fight, he seems to be taking on my characteristics.
The cherry on top of all this is that Carlos asked if he could have a sex partner on Sunday when we were trying to hash things out. I told him hell no. I'm not going to go through what I did in June wondering about my HIV status again.
I don't complain about money issues often, although I know you think I do from the tone of my diary. Money just isn't really an issue with me very often, and I don't have a problem paying all the rent and bills. But I do have a problem however when I feel like Carlos is so incredibly unhappy but yet is staying with me because of the financial dynamic we have going on. Somehow I've turned into a sugar daddy.
8:20 a.m. - 2003-09-23
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