Welcome to my happily ever after...
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I peed in my pants a little
Well, since I'm off work on Friday, today is essentially really a Wednesday. I'll take that! I don't have any big plans for the 4th of July. I got an email invitation for a sex party Thursday night. I swear, the guy who throws them invited more than 100 people. I ran into him the other night at JRs when we went the night they repealed the sodomy law, and I was nice and went and made idle conversation with him. Carlos was like "Who's that? He's cute!". I didn't get into it. Anywho, I most likely won't go. I want to go mostly just to watch, and I get all uncomfortable when strangers touch me. Plus the host has a strict rule that you must get naked upon arrival. I don't care for that part either as I've been feeling somewhat portly as of late.
I told Maddey I'd come pick her up after work today. She works in Sugarland which is about 20 miles away, but she lives around the corner from my house. Now why would anyone want to live in Houston but work in Sugarland? Shouldn't it be the other way around? That's like living in San Francisco and working in Oakland. Or living in NYC and working in New Jersey. Don't mind me...I'm just not looking forward to the drive. I avoid 59 like the plague.
Last night was awesome! I'd gone home and put dinner in the crock pot on lunch, so when I got home last night, dinner was ready. So I lay on the couch and watched about 47 hours worth of TV and went to bed at 9:30.
Ok, did anyone else watch Road Rules last night? Who else thinks that that Darnell guy is a fat fuck that started that whole issue with Abram? I like Abram, and I know I shouldn't seeing as how he comes across as a bigot homophobe. But I just don't think that he knows any better. I hope they don't decide to kick him off the show. And I'd eat that Dave guy on a bed of rice. He's downright dreamy. How come he never goes to the sex parties?
Tonight is my night. I watch 2 hours of Top Model, then the Real World, then the Osbournes, then bed. My brain is getting soft and mushy from all the crap that I watch. I used to go hang out with friends, read, make stuff. Not anymore. I come home from work, eat dinner, and then the TV is on continuously. Remember back in the day when summer was nothing but reruns? Not anymore. Oh no...summer is almost better than the regular season. I saw that Big Brother is coming back again this summer. Yet another show that I like. Paradise Hotel. The bomb. I think that perhaps I'm living vicariously through all these characters on reality television as a way to compensate for my quiet life I live now. I swear, I used to be a fun boy. Really I was! Now I have fun every once in a while and go out, but the problem is that when I do, it's always binge drinking. I don't know if I know how to have fun any other way.
I don't know what reminded me of this, but I just thought of something that my coworkers did to me at my first job out of college when I managed at a department store. I was known as a bit of a prankster, and my coworkers decided they were really going to get me back one day.
So, the story goes that my coworkers go out in the mall to find the scariest person they could find. They find this woman (I use that term loosely) with green fingernails and her name tattooed across her chest to agree to help play a joke on me. How they coerced a stranger to help is beyond me.
Well, the coworkers also went to the toy store and bought a fake grenade. Then they gave her a Gucci purse to try to "return". See where I'm going with this?
Here's how the story goes:
I am paged to customer service, and when I walk up, I could tell there was going to be trouble just by taking one look at her.
"Hi ma'am....can I help you with something?"
"Yeah, I wanna return this purse. It's bootleg and I don't want it."
"Do you have a receipt ma'am? We require a receipt on all Gucci purses because of all the counterfeits out there."
"No! I got it as a gift!"
Oh dear...this is going to be hairy.
I try to explain to her that I am only following policy, and that she needed to get the person who bought the purse for her to return it. It didn't go over well. No matter what I say, she counters and gets upset. Finally, after 15 minutes of bickering, she busts out with the following:
"Well, fine! If you don't give me what I want, I'll just blow us all up!" and she pulls a grenade out of the purse. I freeze. What the heck do I do? Do I go all Alias on her ass and wrench it away from her and take the chance on pulling out the pin? Do I offer to give her what she wants? Do I pass out and hope she's gone when I wake up? It was like time stood still for those 10 seconds.
At that point, my friends come laughing around the corner and I knew I had been had. Even tattoo-tits couldn't help but laugh. I couldn't even talk I was so shaken up.
That practical joke went down in the record books.
I think I may have peed in my pants a little.
10:08 a.m. - 2003-07-01
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