Welcome to my happily ever after...
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My name is Jonathan, and I'm an....
I am seriously fucked up in the head. Sometimes I think I have the mentality of a 13 year old girl and I don't know why.
I just got a call from a couple of guys named Brian and Chris that I met on Monday night when I went to Cafe Adobe asking what I was doing tonight. I had made peace with the fact I was going to stay home and watch TV and relax, and was quite content with that. I emailed Danny earlier in the day and asked him what he was doing tonight, and he told me that he was either going to his parents or staying home because he had to get up early tomorrow. Well, these guys told me that they had just talked to him and that he was going to Meteor. That set my mental gears turning.
Why didn't he just tell me that? Why did he give some long story about his folks or staying home?
I haven't talked to him on the phone today. That seems to be his thing this week. I called him last night and left a message, but he never called me back. I got an email at work today telling me that he was sorry he never called but that he was on the phone all night and never got a chance to call. OK...I didn't think too much about that.
Well, I realize all about wanting to do stuff with your friends. However, I have tried to include him in everything when I was with my friends because I wanted him to get to know them (and to see if they liked him), and it kinda bugs me that I didn't know anything about his plans tonight.
I say kinda...that's a lie. It bugs me a lot.
You know, I have never been the psycho type. You know, the kind that drives by someone's house with a hat and sunglasses on to see if they are home and why they are not calling. I've never even had the inclination to even think of that. But for some reason when I really like someone I get so weird and retarded. Granted, I would never drive by his house, seeing as how Brian and Chris wanted me to go out, my first reaction was to just show up at Meteor with them.
If he had wanted to see me though he would have asked me to go with him.
I can't decide what sucks more. Men as a whole or me as an individual. Oh yeah - I'm a man. Should I lump myself into the men as a whole thing? I think not.
I want a drink. A big fat juicy beer. Lots of them. I want something to make me temporarily feel better about myself and my insecurities with dating. Should I allow myself this indiscretion?
I know that if I do, it won't be just one beer though. Before long I will be passed out on the couch listening to Madonna, and that is something I thought I had overcome. (The beer, not the Madonna part)
Dating is going to make me compromise all the growing I have done and all the demons I have conquered the last few months.
For those of you who never read my old diary, I spent day after day talking about my alcoholism. There, I said it. I have previously only alluded to it, but I am a full fledged alcoholic. A big one. A big alcoholic.
I started drinking years ago because of men. I quit drinking last because I got rid of of man. That was nine months ago and I thought I had gotten it out of my system.
It never completely goes away.
And that sucks.
8:30 p.m. - 2002-04-19
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