Welcome to my happily ever after...
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fragile
I didn't mean to be so cryptic in that last entry. I was just so fragile that if I poured my heart out onto the page, I might not be able to keep it together the rest of the day at work.
I haven't written much lately obviously. I met a good guy that doesn't do drugs, things escalated rather quickly, then before I knew it, he and his dog had moved in with me. It was great.
Before I knew it though, I was restless and bored with this sudden domesticity, and one night I decided to get online. In a shake of a lamb's tail, I was at a house full of people, smoking meth, and from that point on I couldn't stop myself. I lied to my boyfriend constantly about where I was and why I was gone so long, and he began to become suspicious. He broke into my email and my txt messages on my phone, and he found the proof he was looking for. This past Saturday, he packed up everything he could fit in his truck..and the dog, and off he went. He sent a txt msg saying to never contact him again, that he is not in Texas any longer, and if I try to get in touch with him ever again, he will not respond.
I am heartbroken. Yes, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was wrong while I was doing it, yet I could not stop myself. Now I have no closure in this relationship, and I sit around my apartment looking at all the things he left behind, and it literally sickens me. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my whole life, and knowing that I hurt him just as bad if not worse, I can barely live with myself. Would I have done the same thing that he did? If I had any self respect I would have, so how can I blame him?
I packed up the cat and went to my folks house last night, and I plan to stay there for a while until I am strong enough to return to my place. Right now though, returning home is not a big concern....stopping crying all the time is.
1:47 p.m. - 2008-08-22
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