Welcome to my happily ever after...
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guilt
I've had a hard time with feelings of guilt over things I've said and done in the past few months, and it's easy for me to recognize that I've been behaving in a way that is against my own set of principles that I hold for myself. I have to somehow make peace with myself, even if it means that I can't make peace with the people (person) to whom I did wrong. This is hard for me because for so long I have looked outside myself for affirmation.
My whole life I have looked outside of myself for approval, support, and direction, rather than look within myself. I hope it is not too late to learn how to live my life for myself and to make myself happy.
See, I've always had a distorted view on how to really make myself happy. My approach to happiness was that I can make myself happy by making others happy. The truth is that I can make myself happy, and hopefully I can make others happy in the process. If I don't, oh well. I have always put everyone else first, then in the odd occurance that I do something selfish, it is always a doozy that tends to be a relationship ending event.
Now I am faced with trying to figure out what makes me tick. What really yanks my crank? Creams my twinkie? Floats my boat?
To be honest, I don't really know anymore. That is both sad and terrifying to me at the same time. I used to have interests, however slowly over time they have all melted away. I worked so hard to mold myself into the person that whomever I was dating at the time wanted that I have eroded down to a shell of a person. You say you like 80s rock? Me too! You get into mud runs and dog parks and camping? Well, I hate getting dirty, I've never had a dog, and I don't like to sweat, but fuck yeah I'll give it a try! What's that? You want to eat a macrobiotic diet and survive on nuts and berries for the summer? Where do I sign up?
I'm insane in the membrane.
Moving right along, I am taking Friday off from work. Now the thought of having free time mildly terrifies me, but in a good way. When I first got sober (the eleventeenth time), I loved nothing more than just piddling around the house, smoking cigarettes, and doing absolutely nothing. Now I know I can do this again, however the boredom factor is omnipresent, and I have always been a master chef when it comes to cooking up trouble.
Anywho, although today is only Wednesday, in essence today is my Thursday. nanny nanny boo boo.
On another random note, America's Next Top Model starts again this Sunday, and this season there's going to be a tranny!!! Word.
2:52 p.m. - 2008-08-27
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