Welcome to my happily ever after...
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my journey begins
Wow. This has been an interesting weekend. Michael and I broke up today, however it was mostly my decision. I realize that I have been placing way too much pressure on him to keep me sober. Granted, it wasn't anything that I did consciously where I expected him to keep the pipe or the bottle out of my mouth, but I was replacing one addition with another.
In AA, they tell all newcomers that it's not wise to try to start a new relationship within the first year of sobriety. I balked at that. See, rules are made to be broken, and twice now I've tried to prove them all wrong. They weren't wrong at all. Newly sober I am too likely to fall in love with the first guy I see on the street that looks twice at me, and even though Michael is a great guy, he deserves to be with someone that knows who he is. Also I desperately need to find out who I am before I jump headfirst into starting a relationship with someone.
With both Greg and Michael my definition of myself was as the boyfriend. Greg's boyfriend and Michael's boyfriend, and that just isn't healthy or right or even logical for that matter.
I have learned that not drinking or using drugs does not make me sober. Not using and healing my insides one step at a time is. That's why I went to my first AA meeting tonight by myself. I'd been to Crystal Meth Anonymous before many times, but it just didn't feel like it was a match for me. I hope that I'm doing the right thing, but as the old adage goes, it certainly couldn't hurt, right?
Wish me luck...the is the beginning of my journey.
8:35 p.m. - 2006-03-26
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