Welcome to my happily ever after...
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too much information
I got a few emails asking why I turned my notes off, and indeed I did disable them. I'll eventually turn them back on, however I simply could not come in this morning and deal with all the notes telling me how stupid I am.
Has anyone else seen the newest Margaret Cho standup show called Revolution? In it, she says something about if she doesn't give too much information about herself, she might as well be dead. (Or something like that....another good reason to turn off my notes so I won't get a ton of emails telling me I'm quoting it wrong. Let me remember my way please...). Anywho, I find that I haven't been writing what has REALLY been going on in my life in the last few weeks, and I need to come clean.
I've done crystal three weekends in a row. It hasn't been like I've been in some drug den fucked up out of my mind, and I didn't do it during the week. However it has been fucking with me somewhat, and I know I need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control. Alcohol has always been my drug of choice, as everyone is aware, and I have always been somewhat anti-drug. I experimented with drugs for a brief time in college, and I generally found that I didn't like the way they made me feel. This time has been somewhat different though despite the little things like staying up all night and paranoia, etc that I have been experiencing as a result. Last weekend I got on this phase where I could not sit still, and I ended up cleaning a friend's house in a frenzy. Too bad I wasn't at my own house.
One interesting side effect is that I have lost 13 lbs in 3 weeks. I used to weigh 152 and now I am 139. Looking in the mirror this morning, I couldn't figure out where my ass had gone, and I realized that I don't need to lose any more weight. Although I was desperately wanting to lose a little bit, this is too much, and it's not like I'm on the fucking Atkins diet or anything: I've been doing illegal, extremely addictive drugs. And as someone told me before, if I thought that alcohol has a hard demon to try to subdue, addiction to methamphetamines is something else entirely.
So why have I been doing them? I am not quite sure as that is something I am looking into. Whereas alcohol tended to numb something within me, crystal seems to bring something out. Two completely different things.
I think I need to completely stop hanging out with the friends I recently made that got me into this. I don't think I'll be able to be around them when they use without actively participating as well. And that sucks. I finally have made some friends that I like.
8:54 a.m. - 2004-11-30
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