Welcome to my happily ever after...
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slay the demons
Last night was nice. I finally put out for Carlos, so that should keep him satisfied for a few days. I've learned that if I put the TV on Headline News while we have sex, I can at least listen and catch up on the news. Multitasking. LOL...that's like my friend Leslie. She told me that she and her husband do it doggie style so they can watch TV at the same time.
It's supposed to rain this weekend. I actually like the rain somewhat. The part of town I live in is so congested that I don't get out and do anything on the weekends anyways because of all the damn people. I really miss living in the museum district. :( I could ride my bike there and not have to worry about getting run over by a cab driver.
I really need to stop watching so much TV. Or maybe I should tape the shows that I like so I can sit down later and zip through the commercials to save time. As it is, I estimate that I'm watching at least 25 hours of TV a week. Really. Probably even more than that. And I wonder why I never get anything done around the house. Remember before how I used to spend hours and hours online looking at porn and smoking cigs? Not anymore...it has been replaced with TV watching. Substitute one addiction with another. Is that why so many alcoholics also smoke cigs? I read somewhere that they have AA meetings where you can smoke, and supposedly the air is freaking blue from everyone chain smoking.
That reminds me....when I was 20 I dated a guy that was in rehab for drugs. When I was around him and his friends, we'd usually go to a coffee shop where they'd drink pots and pots of coffee at a time and smoke packs of cigarattes. I asked him why they did that and he said he couldn't really explain it. He said that one addicition always replaces another. I got so sick from all the smoke that I lost my voice for 2 weeks.
I've been emailing with a fellow diarylander who said this morning that he tends to overlook the bad qualities in others, particularly when he was interested in them romantically. Honey, me too. I dated a freaking druggie that was fresh out of rehab. I justified it by saying I was trying to HELP him. It didn't work...ha. Last I heard about him back in the mid 90s, he was living in New York City and was a club kid.
If I had a dollar for every time I overlooked some sort of fatal flaw when I met someone that I thought was cute, I'd be rich. I've overlooked all the biggies....unemployed, lives with mom and dad, doesn't have a car, blah.
Not that I have any right to say anything about substance abusers seeing as how I have quite a history of abusing alcohol. I have been good for quite a while now, however that demon is always there peeking around the corner at me. It is unfortunate that I will be battling this the rest of my life. I've read so many books that say that prolonged substance abuse is a way to try to numb something that I am needing to deal with. After 10 years of trying to figure out what that was, I am pretty much convinced that I need to deal with my childhood years. Something is troubling me about my teenage years.
Don't get me wrong...I had everything I ever wanted and more as a child. My parents tried to do everything possible to make my life happy, yet growing up a gay boy was tough because I never really figured out what my deal was until I came out at 19. I never once considered myself gay, although I had been called that plenty of times both behind my back and to my face. I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
You know, I think that may be a reason why I dream so often about high school. I mention it at least once a month or so here in my diary.....I dream about high school all the time.
Somehow I have got to figure out a way to slay those demons once and for all before they kill me.
9:03 a.m. - 2004-03-11
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