Welcome to my happily ever after...

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mantra

OMG. I have to go have lunch with my supervisor here today, and I am completely dreading it. If you've kept up with my diary over the years, you know about my sheer terror of one on one situations where I am forced to make small talk. That's why I hate dating...I mean HATE it. I end up blabbering about something stupid because I hate silent moments. Lord, help me today...

My supervisor at my last job was big on wanting to take me out to lunch to "reward" me. Everyone else loved it but me....perhaps because of a free lunch? BFD as far as I'm concerned. If you really like me, just leave me alone and don't interrupt my routine.

My friend BH is always talking about taking clients out for meals. The thought of it literally makes my heart race. Do I have an anxiety disorder? You be the judge. I've always been a bit shy about various things, and even though I've tried to overcome them the older I get, I'm afraid to say that I think they might have just gotten worse. One of my other fears is walking into a bar by myself. I absolutely hate it! If I'm going out, I make a point to call whomever I am meeting on my cell phone once I get there so I can find out if they are running late. That way I don't end up standing around by myself too long. In a bar you can only stand around by yourself for so long while trying to look cool. You know what I mean....

Well, Thursday. As I mentioned earlier, I'm supposed to go to Guava Lamp on Friday with Maddey. I'm looking forward to it as I haven't done anything fun in a while. I haven't seen her since December 19th. She pulled another of her disappearing acts recently, and after being friends with her for 10 years, I now know that to get in touch with her, it's best to resort to email. We shall see if tomorrow night actually comes to fruition. If not, that's fine too.

You know, I am perfectly fine with just staying home by myself most of the time. I read about or see people that lock themselves up in their house for years at a time to keep from interacting with others, and quite frankly a little part of me can understand that. I'm just not a very social person. I thoroughly enjoy my interaction with others via IM and email. Love it! However when it comes to getting dressed and going somewhere, that's another story entirely. My BF absolutely hates that aspect of my personality as he is very social. A lot of the time he just goes out and does his thing while I stay home by myself. He once made a comment that some of his friends at one point didn't believe that I was a real person. They called me George Glass, which I'm sure you remember was Jan Brady's imaginary boyfriend. That was when I decided to become a bit more social.

I swore that 2004 was going to be a year where I was going to get out and do things! I want to take Carlos on spur of the moment trips out of town. I want to go to San Antonio and walk along the riverwalk. I want to go to Austin and see the bats. I want to drive to Brenham in the spring and look at the bluebonnets. We never do anything like that. He's either too tired from working and going to school, or I just don't feel like going anywhere. We're in a rut.

It's like having lunch with my boss today. I don't want to do it because I'm afraid. I don't go anywhere because I'm afraid. What is there to be afraid of? I have got to seize the moment.

I still have 11 more months to turn this ship around. I found this quote in my desk calendar...it should be my mantra.

Heal the past

Live the present

Dream the future...