Welcome to my happily ever after...
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here I go
I haven�t been very good about updating. There hasn�t really been very much to write about. I�ve been working rather hard trying to line up interviews, etc, however it isn�t going as well as I would have liked. People just aren�t really responding, and I can�t figure out why.
Well, I say I�ve been working hard. If �working hard� constitutes sending 100 resumes via email a day, then yeah, I�ve been busting my ass. I did go register to do some temp work with a couple of agencies, and they told me that as of today, I can start calling in every morning and let them know if I�m available to work. Here�s the problem: I haven�t been dealing with unemployment very well. Not well at all. I�ve been drinking like crazy the last week, and it�s not pretty. I haven�t been drinking myself into a stupor per se, however I can�t think of too many nights in the last week when I didn�t have a few drinks before I went to bed. And the issue is that if I have drinks the night before, I don�t feel like going to do temp work. Get it? It�s the whole �I need to make more money so I can buy more drugs so I can make more money so I can buy more drugs..� thing.
I�m rationalizing not doing much by saying that I haven�t even really given myself any time to deal with everything that has happened. I mean, I�ve only had 6 days off, but this is not the way to be thinking. I needed to hit the ground running rather than rationalizing my ass off all the time. Carlos knows that something is up�he has to. How can I explain sleeping on the couch every night? He�s asked why I�ve been sleeping in the living room more than once, and I know that he knows that I�ve been staying up getting drunk. I mean, I am sloppy and leave things out. For example, I put a couple of beers in the freezer last week to get them cold, and I forgot about them and they exploded and got everywhere. I mean, come on now.
This is exactly what I did to myself in 2001. I finished my MCSE and started looking for a job. However I didn�t ever want to do anything productive because I was so hung over all the time. Every day I�d wake up and say that I wasn�t going to do it again that night, yet once it got dark, literally and figuratively, I�d fucking rationalize by saying I�d do it only one more time.
I am retarded. I need some help. I need some sort of intervention, whether it be divine or non-divine.
And God, please don�t let me do it all over again tonight.
But you know, what�s just one more day?
See, here I go.
5:23 p.m. - 2003-10-27
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