Welcome to my happily ever after...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dreams
I am so sleepy today! I haven't been sleeping well because of all the strange dreams I always seem to be having. All week I've been dreaming about people that I haven't seen in years, and I wonder how I manage to pull these old acquaintences from the misty depths of my subconscious.
Last night I dreamed about my best friend Stephanie from high school. She and I were inseparable for four years, and after graduation, I went off to Texas A&M, and she went to a university in Colorado.
Well, I came out my freshman year, and she never really quite adjusted to it. I expected her to act as she always had with me, and she just couldn't get over the fact that I was gay. In fact, she told many of my friends (that later told me) that she didn't know what to say to me anymore. When she did talk to me, she wasn't the same.
A glaring example of this was that she accidentally called me a "fag" one day, and I knew it was purely in jest. After she realized what she had said, she turned about 50 shades of red and apologized to the point that it began to piss me off. I am a "fag"...just as much as she was a "bitch".
It became easier to just not talk anymore. It wasn't the same...and now we haven't spoken in eight years.
My ten year high school reunion was last year and I opted not to go. I didn't feel the need to go prove that I had made something of my life, which isn't that the point of reunions in the first place? Plus, why would I want to celebrate a time in my life when I was living a lie? I have nothing to say to any of them.
However, seeing as how I dream about these people all the time, I must have unresolved issues with that time of my life. What are these dreams trying to tell me?
I am taking tomorrow off from work, and I can't even begin to write about how thrilled I am to go out of town this weekend. The idea of looking at something other than the walls of my apartment thrills me more than I can put into words here.
Changing the subject, the cop caught me online last night and messaged me that he wanted to come over. Well, considering it was already 9 PM, I knew immediately what he wanted to come over for. I told him that it was too late and that I needed to get some sleep, so he asked if we could get together tonight. I was noncommital and said "we'll see". I know I shouldn't do it...
He told me that he wants to come over and have me "fuck him hard" in the shower. As repulsed as I should be by him considering everything he has put me through, I was so fucking horny at the thought of having sex with him again that I got offline and jacked off as quickly as I could.
It was the only way I could think of to keep from letting myself have a midnight visitor.
9:02 a.m. - 2002-02-21
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------