Welcome to my happily ever after...
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love letter
I feel the need to write today.
Whoever said that "rejection is the greatest aphrodesiac" really knew their shit. I think it was in a Madonna song, perhaps...
I can't get over that guy last week who never called me again. I can't stop thinking about it, and it's about to drive me start raving nuts. I wasn't even attacted to him, and that's the part that pisses me off so much. I sent him the following email this morning:
XXXX,
I realize that we didn't necessarily hit it off as far as dating is concerned, but I am not quite sure why you have taken the approach you have with me since we went out that night. If I remember correctly, you mentioned that you were always looking for friends, and that is pretty much all I was ever really concerned about. I'm not quite sure what I did that night to warrant never being spoken to again, but I guess you have your reasons, and for my sake, I hope they are better than the "really busy with work" excuse like you gave me last week.
Good luck to you in 2002.
Jonathan
I kinda regretted it as soon as I hit "send", but ya know what, who gives a shit? I don't have anything to lose.
I'm in a rut. I don't ever want to do anything when I get home from work but get on the computer and smoke about 500 cigarettes. My new year's resolution (one of them) was to stop smoking, but I have justified not quitting yet by saying that it's one of the only self-indulgent things I do for myself anymore. I read a book where the character describes their cigarettes as her "friends", and that when no one else was around to comfort her, her cigs were always there for her. As retarded as that sounds, I feel that way sometimes too.
Carlos sent me an email yesterday professing his love for me. This is a copy of what he said to me:
Jonathan, I don't really want to say this but I feel I have to cause I can't hold it in.� I am still in love with you and part of me is your friend with the hopes that we can get back together......I didn't really want to say this cause I don't know what will come of it or how you are going to react to it.� I have been bad in the past about not telling people what is on my mind so that is why I am telling you this.
I've been wanting to ask you some questions but I didn't know how to bring them up.....
Like, why haven't you tried to get back with me???� Do you even consider getting back with me???� Why do you think I feel this way about you.....sometimes my friends know how I feel even when I don't....
Don't feel obligated to answer these questions....I just wanted to throw this out there cause I don't know what else to do....
sincerely,
confused..........
I'm not quite sure how to take that. It warms my heart that he still feels that way about me, however I know that it is not right. I talked to him last night about it, and I told him that yes, someday we might get back together, but at this point I am still trying to figure out who I am. I'm not ready...
I watched "Real World" last night, and I can't believe how cute the gay guy is on the new season! I really wish there had been a TV show on like that when I was growing up struggling with my sexuality in my teens. I so desperately looked for some sort of gay person to observe and learn from, even if it was on TV, and there was no one appropriate.
Think I'll go get some work done. I'll try to write more later today...
8:48 a.m. - 2002-01-23
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